there was a night back in late january. it was beginning to snow when i had left work to walk to sg. it was the kind of snow that was so lovely. small, sparkly flakes that drifted gracefully and shimmered in the streetlight. the snow was soft and gently blanketed the dirty streets of ny, and made them clean. pure. plush.
i walked through this snowfall and thought to myself, i wish i could share this moment with someone. everything is so beautifully romantic. how lovely it would be to be in love on a night like this.
and as i felt small pangs of loneliness creep into my heart, i earnestly prayed, God, would you walk with me right now? will You be my lover and share this romantic moment with me?
and He did.
suddenly, i felt warmth around my shoulders - the way i would feel warmth if a man were to put his arm around me. i knew at that moment that God was walking with me, our strides in synch, with His arm around my shoulders. and though i was cold everywhere else, where God's arm was, it was warm.
so we walked. my Lover and me - in the beautiful snow that He created, and in the quiet stillness of the night. we walked, and i was lonely no more.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
mia - juror #3 - the sinner
last week, i had to go in for jury duty. i gotta say, i really had a great time. people always say it's such a pain, and that it's so boring. but what's so terrible about getting out of work, and being able to have all the time you want to read a good book? and then the best part is, you get to be part of the whole jury process - which is like being on an episode of Law and Order! i had a great time!
but you know, i learned something about myself. it turns out, i'm not a good person to choose for a jury.
all my co-workers thought that i would get chosen for a trial bc they said i was so nice, and not overly opinionated about anything. and i sort of agreed with them. i thought to myself, "yeah, i'm not very political or racist or have experienced anything really crazy in my life." but it turns out, i AM very opinionated.
for my first trial that was ushered in for, the case was about a man who allegedly raped 2 girls - a 13-year old and a 15 year old girl. for the first 30 minutes, i couldn't stop thinking that he was guilty, and thoughts of "how could you do something like that?!" kept crossing my mind. and after i had to listen to the 15 counts of indictment, i was feeling more and more convinced that he was in the wrong - even though the judge kept emphasizing that these were simply allegations and not evidence. for 30 minutes, i argued with myself to try to be impartial and open, and it was harder than i thought it would be. finally, i thought about how perhaps maybe the girls were lying, and that i had to give this man a chance to tell his side of the story. and even though i felt reluctant, i was able to come to a place in my head to be neutral.
and amidst my inner arguing, i kept staring at this man's attorney - the criminal defense lawyer - and i found myself being angry at him too! i kept thinking, "how do you sleep at night?! knowing you're defending men who rape underage girls!" i was angry at the convicted man and his attorney. i wanted to say - you deserve no attorney! not after what you did! and then after some more struggling, i remembered that at one point in my sister's law school years, she had strongly considered becoming a criminal defense lawyer bc she had said that more often than not, these criminals weren't actually criminals. but they needed good lawyers to help them. and i thought about how my sister could've been this attorney. so i changed my mind. it's true. we all need someone to defend us - whether we're guilty or not. and we all deserve to be given a fair chance to tell our side. we can't just judge someone at the drop of a hat.
and finally, after 30 minutes, i was finally able to be impartial - was open to the idea that he was innocent - to put my initial outrage aside to hear him out. and that shocked me. i came into that courtroom thinking that i was so good at being impartial, but here i was - a terrible juror. and do you know why i was a terrible juror? bc i'm a terrible sinner.
i realized that being a juror showed my true colors - i am a judgmental person, and i have trouble showing grace. it's funny bc i realized this about myself a few years ago, and have been working on trying to become a more grace-ful person. but i saw that this sinful side still lives in me. the good news is, i recognize it now. and i try to counter it as much as i can.
i never thought serving on jury duty would be such a humbling experience. to see how much God loves me despite my sinful tendencies. to see how much God loves His children - even when they commit crimes - He forgives them and sees you with His future glory eyes. and if God can do that, then i would have to try as well.
i think everyone should serve on jury duty. it's enlightening to learn about how the jury system works in our country, and it's humbling/glorifying to see how the economy of God's mercy works.
but you know, i learned something about myself. it turns out, i'm not a good person to choose for a jury.
all my co-workers thought that i would get chosen for a trial bc they said i was so nice, and not overly opinionated about anything. and i sort of agreed with them. i thought to myself, "yeah, i'm not very political or racist or have experienced anything really crazy in my life." but it turns out, i AM very opinionated.
for my first trial that was ushered in for, the case was about a man who allegedly raped 2 girls - a 13-year old and a 15 year old girl. for the first 30 minutes, i couldn't stop thinking that he was guilty, and thoughts of "how could you do something like that?!" kept crossing my mind. and after i had to listen to the 15 counts of indictment, i was feeling more and more convinced that he was in the wrong - even though the judge kept emphasizing that these were simply allegations and not evidence. for 30 minutes, i argued with myself to try to be impartial and open, and it was harder than i thought it would be. finally, i thought about how perhaps maybe the girls were lying, and that i had to give this man a chance to tell his side of the story. and even though i felt reluctant, i was able to come to a place in my head to be neutral.
and amidst my inner arguing, i kept staring at this man's attorney - the criminal defense lawyer - and i found myself being angry at him too! i kept thinking, "how do you sleep at night?! knowing you're defending men who rape underage girls!" i was angry at the convicted man and his attorney. i wanted to say - you deserve no attorney! not after what you did! and then after some more struggling, i remembered that at one point in my sister's law school years, she had strongly considered becoming a criminal defense lawyer bc she had said that more often than not, these criminals weren't actually criminals. but they needed good lawyers to help them. and i thought about how my sister could've been this attorney. so i changed my mind. it's true. we all need someone to defend us - whether we're guilty or not. and we all deserve to be given a fair chance to tell our side. we can't just judge someone at the drop of a hat.
and finally, after 30 minutes, i was finally able to be impartial - was open to the idea that he was innocent - to put my initial outrage aside to hear him out. and that shocked me. i came into that courtroom thinking that i was so good at being impartial, but here i was - a terrible juror. and do you know why i was a terrible juror? bc i'm a terrible sinner.
i realized that being a juror showed my true colors - i am a judgmental person, and i have trouble showing grace. it's funny bc i realized this about myself a few years ago, and have been working on trying to become a more grace-ful person. but i saw that this sinful side still lives in me. the good news is, i recognize it now. and i try to counter it as much as i can.
i never thought serving on jury duty would be such a humbling experience. to see how much God loves me despite my sinful tendencies. to see how much God loves His children - even when they commit crimes - He forgives them and sees you with His future glory eyes. and if God can do that, then i would have to try as well.
i think everyone should serve on jury duty. it's enlightening to learn about how the jury system works in our country, and it's humbling/glorifying to see how the economy of God's mercy works.
Monday, January 7, 2013
mia the oxymoron
i was sitting on the train the other day thinking about how people think they know me, but there are some very random quirks about me that are hidden. i discovered that i have a pretty contradictory side of my life that people don't easily discover about me bc i don't say anything.
so i decided to list out some interesting yet contradictory things about me so that you can know me better. =)
1. i like strawberries but i don't like strawberry-flavored foods. it's very strange, i know. i love real strawberries. but anything strawberry-flavored - like ice cream, peppero, milkshakes, candy - i don't like it. it's too sweet... like sickeningly sweet.
2. the same goes for bananas. i like bananas, but i don't like banana-flavored foods. i really dislike those korean banana puff chips, banana flavored pudding, banana ice cream, etc. even magnolia's banana pudding - i only eat the nilla wafers. =) (i do make an exception for banana bread, that i like. i think it's bc it's made with real bananas and not some weird banana flavoring)
3. i like winter a lot bc i hate sweating and you can't control your body temperature in the summer. if it's hot, you can't cool yourself down unless you go inside. but in the winter, even if it's cold out, you can make yourself warm by wearing a thick jacket! so even though i like the cold bc i hate sweating, i need to be warm when it's cold. i always turn on my heater, wear lots of layers, and dislike the feeling of being cold. it's quite strange.
4. i really don't like watching sports on tv. i find it to be really boring and kind of pointless to watch a ball move around a lot. but interestingly, i really enjoy watching sports live. i love going to sporting events - it's so much more exciting! i've been to live basketball, baseball, hockey, and tennis games. i really, really wanna see a football game one day. but seriously, put the same game on tv, and i will start playing sudoku on my phone.
5. i love sleep. i love getting lots of sleep. but i hate going to sleep. every night, i battle myself to stay up later and later bc i feel like sleeping is a waste of time when i could be doing something fun. but then when i'm sleeping, it's so good, and i love it, and i wish i could sleep in more. i am always tired as a result of this. haha!
6. another food one - i like tomato sauce, but i hate tomatoes.
7. i am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. and i know that everyone strongly believes that i am as well. but you know, the truth is, i may be a hopeless romantic, but i'm also realistic. i know that the romantic stuff i see in movies and in books are fake. i totally, 100% know it. i know that relationships are hard work and mostly about commitment than love. but i just like getting swept away in the idea of it when i enter fictional worlds. i may be a hopeless romantic, but i am super realistic and don't expect this one bit for my real life love story.
8. i think i'm really perceptive. i notice lots of details; i can gauge how people are feeling; i can sense when something is off, etc. but very weirdly, i am also really oblivious and blind to the same things. it's a very strange thing to be so strongly perceptive and oblivious all at the same time. i really have no answer for this one.
9. i am very good at saving money, but surprisingly, i do not have any kind of budget. i don't keep records of all my expenses, nor do i watch every penny. but interestingly, i just have a mental note about these things, and i still save money each month. how do i do it? i dunno! i just do!
10. i love the water - oceans, beaches, pools, ponds, waterfalls - you name it. i love anything that has water in it. but i also have a huge fear of it bc i can't swim. my ideal vacation is to do beach-y things, even tho i can't go past the first 3 feet of water. so shouldn't this make the beach and pool boring for me? surprisingly no. i love it, but i'm also deathly scared of it. haha!
11. at my core, i really enjoy singing and performing. why else would i have done 4 years of christian acappella and lead the music ministry at church? but i also really hate singing in front of people. i get terribly nervous, and it stops being fun for me. i'm not sure where my happy place begins and ends bc it's such a fine line. this is why i never sing for real at karaoke, and this is why i'm so shy during friendly jam sessions. but put me on a stage with a mic and i just want to shine and be a diva. it's quite weird to struggle with this!
12. i really love being emo but i hate being sad. i love dimming the lights and playing emo music while i cry and think about life. it feels so cathartic to be in this kind of mood and environment. and yet, i really hate being sad. i want nothing more to be happy and joyful and wish there was nothing to be melancholy about!
man, looking over this list, i must sound like a crazy person to you guys. but this is me. this is me and my interesting yet contradictory ways. i'm not sure why i'm like this, but it works for me!
so now you guys know 12 new things about me. =) hope you found it strange but delightful. hehe!
so i decided to list out some interesting yet contradictory things about me so that you can know me better. =)
1. i like strawberries but i don't like strawberry-flavored foods. it's very strange, i know. i love real strawberries. but anything strawberry-flavored - like ice cream, peppero, milkshakes, candy - i don't like it. it's too sweet... like sickeningly sweet.
2. the same goes for bananas. i like bananas, but i don't like banana-flavored foods. i really dislike those korean banana puff chips, banana flavored pudding, banana ice cream, etc. even magnolia's banana pudding - i only eat the nilla wafers. =) (i do make an exception for banana bread, that i like. i think it's bc it's made with real bananas and not some weird banana flavoring)
3. i like winter a lot bc i hate sweating and you can't control your body temperature in the summer. if it's hot, you can't cool yourself down unless you go inside. but in the winter, even if it's cold out, you can make yourself warm by wearing a thick jacket! so even though i like the cold bc i hate sweating, i need to be warm when it's cold. i always turn on my heater, wear lots of layers, and dislike the feeling of being cold. it's quite strange.
4. i really don't like watching sports on tv. i find it to be really boring and kind of pointless to watch a ball move around a lot. but interestingly, i really enjoy watching sports live. i love going to sporting events - it's so much more exciting! i've been to live basketball, baseball, hockey, and tennis games. i really, really wanna see a football game one day. but seriously, put the same game on tv, and i will start playing sudoku on my phone.
5. i love sleep. i love getting lots of sleep. but i hate going to sleep. every night, i battle myself to stay up later and later bc i feel like sleeping is a waste of time when i could be doing something fun. but then when i'm sleeping, it's so good, and i love it, and i wish i could sleep in more. i am always tired as a result of this. haha!
6. another food one - i like tomato sauce, but i hate tomatoes.
7. i am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic. and i know that everyone strongly believes that i am as well. but you know, the truth is, i may be a hopeless romantic, but i'm also realistic. i know that the romantic stuff i see in movies and in books are fake. i totally, 100% know it. i know that relationships are hard work and mostly about commitment than love. but i just like getting swept away in the idea of it when i enter fictional worlds. i may be a hopeless romantic, but i am super realistic and don't expect this one bit for my real life love story.
8. i think i'm really perceptive. i notice lots of details; i can gauge how people are feeling; i can sense when something is off, etc. but very weirdly, i am also really oblivious and blind to the same things. it's a very strange thing to be so strongly perceptive and oblivious all at the same time. i really have no answer for this one.
9. i am very good at saving money, but surprisingly, i do not have any kind of budget. i don't keep records of all my expenses, nor do i watch every penny. but interestingly, i just have a mental note about these things, and i still save money each month. how do i do it? i dunno! i just do!
10. i love the water - oceans, beaches, pools, ponds, waterfalls - you name it. i love anything that has water in it. but i also have a huge fear of it bc i can't swim. my ideal vacation is to do beach-y things, even tho i can't go past the first 3 feet of water. so shouldn't this make the beach and pool boring for me? surprisingly no. i love it, but i'm also deathly scared of it. haha!
11. at my core, i really enjoy singing and performing. why else would i have done 4 years of christian acappella and lead the music ministry at church? but i also really hate singing in front of people. i get terribly nervous, and it stops being fun for me. i'm not sure where my happy place begins and ends bc it's such a fine line. this is why i never sing for real at karaoke, and this is why i'm so shy during friendly jam sessions. but put me on a stage with a mic and i just want to shine and be a diva. it's quite weird to struggle with this!
12. i really love being emo but i hate being sad. i love dimming the lights and playing emo music while i cry and think about life. it feels so cathartic to be in this kind of mood and environment. and yet, i really hate being sad. i want nothing more to be happy and joyful and wish there was nothing to be melancholy about!
man, looking over this list, i must sound like a crazy person to you guys. but this is me. this is me and my interesting yet contradictory ways. i'm not sure why i'm like this, but it works for me!
so now you guys know 12 new things about me. =) hope you found it strange but delightful. hehe!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
f e a r
FEAR. just looking at this seemingly innocuous word stirs anxiety and uneasiness in me. fear is like a cold chill that silently seeps into the secret crevices of your heart, soul, and mind, and fogs your memory of what hope is like... warmth feels like. it paralyzes you. don't believe me? how many times has fear stopped you from taking a risk? how many times has fear caused you to stay in the same place because of not knowing the unknown?
lately, a fear has settled in. i've tried to sweep it out the doorstep of my heart. i've tried to douse it with laughter. i've tried to clamp its mouth shut. but the fear has made itself comfortable, and promises me things like safety and entitlement.
i am fighting.
JOY has been standing outside my door asking to come in. but the guard dog barks viciously when i try to let Her in.
lately, a fear has settled in. i've tried to sweep it out the doorstep of my heart. i've tried to douse it with laughter. i've tried to clamp its mouth shut. but the fear has made itself comfortable, and promises me things like safety and entitlement.
i am fighting.
JOY has been standing outside my door asking to come in. but the guard dog barks viciously when i try to let Her in.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
christmas wish list 2012!
hi guys!
i'm doing my annual christmas wish list entry! it's a bit late, so i doubt i'll get anything from here. but a girl can dream, right? =) some of these are repeats from last year, but again, wishful thinking! =D
1. People Magazine Subscription - note that i chose the channing tatum cover. hehehe!
GOT IT! =D
2. iPad (still really want this!)
3. mini guitar (for a mia-sized person!)
GOT IT! =D
4. gold plated initial necklace in script
5. new glasses (should i go for the hipster look?)
GOT IT! =D
6. toms! (which color do you guys think is the best?)
7. the book - This is how you lose her (i really wanna read this!)
GOT IT! =D
8. fake pink hydrangeas - to brighten up my cubicle!
GOT IT! =D
9. kate spade bow ring (how darling is this ring?? and i don't even wear rings but this one is so me!)
10. broadway show! i haven't seen a broadway show in years! how sad is that? (i actually haven't seen any of the below. that can't be good!)
okay, i'm gonna stop now. if i think of more, i shall add! =) merry christmas everyone!
i'm doing my annual christmas wish list entry! it's a bit late, so i doubt i'll get anything from here. but a girl can dream, right? =) some of these are repeats from last year, but again, wishful thinking! =D
1. People Magazine Subscription - note that i chose the channing tatum cover. hehehe!
2. iPad (still really want this!)
3. mini guitar (for a mia-sized person!)
GOT IT! =D
4. gold plated initial necklace in script
5. new glasses (should i go for the hipster look?)
GOT IT! =D
6. toms! (which color do you guys think is the best?)
7. the book - This is how you lose her (i really wanna read this!)
GOT IT! =D
8. fake pink hydrangeas - to brighten up my cubicle!
GOT IT! =D
9. kate spade bow ring (how darling is this ring?? and i don't even wear rings but this one is so me!)
10. broadway show! i haven't seen a broadway show in years! how sad is that? (i actually haven't seen any of the below. that can't be good!)
okay, i'm gonna stop now. if i think of more, i shall add! =) merry christmas everyone!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
understudy to the bride
this weekend, i was a bridesmaid in a wedding. but that didn't change anything for me. all the usual things happened to me, as it always does, just like the last 16 weddings i've attended - i can't help but imagine myself being the bride.
i watched julia get married, but amidst reality and my dreaming, i saw flashes of my own wedding - like a scene from a movie. i watched her dance the first dance as husband and wife. and i saw myself dancing with my new beaming husband. i could hear our whispered conversations...
me: i can't believe we're finally married!
him: hello my wife. ;)
me: eek, this is so awkward...everyone is staring at us!
him: really? all i see is you.
he smiles and then kisses me on the forehead, and i realize then how lucky i am because he found me at last - and i am loved.
i saw myself standing on the altar - eagerly waiting for those final words to be uttered - i now pronounce you, husband and wife. and the rush of excitement as i go from miss to mrs in one fell swoop of a kiss - a kiss to seal the deal, a kiss that is full of promises and hope of a life to live.
and i saw myself watching our own slideshow of pictures. watching the story unfold of how God took two seemingly strangers, and weaved together a love story so intricate, yet so perfect, to make this story ours. to show how that daydreaming little girl would one day meet that batman-loving boy, and their lives would never be the same again. there will be tears of joy, laughter, embarrassment at the awkward years, but all to return to the cute love story of mia and her love. and people will say, you know, he really loves her so much.
this is what happens every time i go to a wedding. i've watched myself get married sixteen times now. i hope you will get to see her get married soon.
i watched julia get married, but amidst reality and my dreaming, i saw flashes of my own wedding - like a scene from a movie. i watched her dance the first dance as husband and wife. and i saw myself dancing with my new beaming husband. i could hear our whispered conversations...
me: i can't believe we're finally married!
him: hello my wife. ;)
me: eek, this is so awkward...everyone is staring at us!
him: really? all i see is you.
he smiles and then kisses me on the forehead, and i realize then how lucky i am because he found me at last - and i am loved.
i saw myself standing on the altar - eagerly waiting for those final words to be uttered - i now pronounce you, husband and wife. and the rush of excitement as i go from miss to mrs in one fell swoop of a kiss - a kiss to seal the deal, a kiss that is full of promises and hope of a life to live.
and i saw myself watching our own slideshow of pictures. watching the story unfold of how God took two seemingly strangers, and weaved together a love story so intricate, yet so perfect, to make this story ours. to show how that daydreaming little girl would one day meet that batman-loving boy, and their lives would never be the same again. there will be tears of joy, laughter, embarrassment at the awkward years, but all to return to the cute love story of mia and her love. and people will say, you know, he really loves her so much.
this is what happens every time i go to a wedding. i've watched myself get married sixteen times now. i hope you will get to see her get married soon.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
dream a little dream of me
it's been a while since i've written in this thing consistently. life's been busy, and i can't seem to figure out what i want to say before i lose the idea in my head.
so, i'll ramble a little today bc it's a quiet day at work for the first time since august. PTL for that!
lately, i keep dreaming about being in a relationship. i've had several dreams like this already in the past couple of weeks and it keeps happening. *please let these be prophetic dreams. ha!*
one of the dreams, i remember vividly. i was in a secret relationship with this guy. and as we were hanging out among my sg members, no one knew that we were in this secret relationship. it was deliciously fun. when attentions were diverted from us, we would secretly intertwine fingers under the table. we would smile knowing grins at each other. we snuck in quick kisses when no one was looking. he wrapped his hands around my waist when he stood behind me. nobody knew that we were secretly in love - that we were bursting with excitement. it was ours to savor and delight in.
it was thrilling and exhilarating. i had forgotten what it was like to be in the beginnings of a relationship - when everything is electric and new. when a simple touch of a finger can conjure so much happiness and bubbles inside your soul.
when i woke up, i felt a mixture of excitement and sadness. i was still giddy from the elation of being so in love, so wrapped up in this romantic secret. and yet, i was sad bc it was just a dream. i've been wondering why these dreams keep happening. am i longing to be in a relationship? maybe. is something going to happen in the near future? let's cross our fingers!
but in either case, i've felt a need to write these mini stories down. and even recently, i had dinner with a friend who moved away, and as we joked about how maybe she'd find her future mate in this new environment, i easily envisioned her possible love story. and again, i felt the need to write it down, and quickly jotted it down in my notebook for just these kind of creative emergencies. i think my desire to write a love story - one that will touch the hearts of readers everywhere - has been growing and itching to be developed. perhaps it's time i start practicing and flexing those muscles again.
=)
so, i'll ramble a little today bc it's a quiet day at work for the first time since august. PTL for that!
lately, i keep dreaming about being in a relationship. i've had several dreams like this already in the past couple of weeks and it keeps happening. *please let these be prophetic dreams. ha!*
one of the dreams, i remember vividly. i was in a secret relationship with this guy. and as we were hanging out among my sg members, no one knew that we were in this secret relationship. it was deliciously fun. when attentions were diverted from us, we would secretly intertwine fingers under the table. we would smile knowing grins at each other. we snuck in quick kisses when no one was looking. he wrapped his hands around my waist when he stood behind me. nobody knew that we were secretly in love - that we were bursting with excitement. it was ours to savor and delight in.
it was thrilling and exhilarating. i had forgotten what it was like to be in the beginnings of a relationship - when everything is electric and new. when a simple touch of a finger can conjure so much happiness and bubbles inside your soul.
when i woke up, i felt a mixture of excitement and sadness. i was still giddy from the elation of being so in love, so wrapped up in this romantic secret. and yet, i was sad bc it was just a dream. i've been wondering why these dreams keep happening. am i longing to be in a relationship? maybe. is something going to happen in the near future? let's cross our fingers!
but in either case, i've felt a need to write these mini stories down. and even recently, i had dinner with a friend who moved away, and as we joked about how maybe she'd find her future mate in this new environment, i easily envisioned her possible love story. and again, i felt the need to write it down, and quickly jotted it down in my notebook for just these kind of creative emergencies. i think my desire to write a love story - one that will touch the hearts of readers everywhere - has been growing and itching to be developed. perhaps it's time i start practicing and flexing those muscles again.
=)
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