Day 20-22 - A Weekend of Thanks

Sorry again for not blogging! it's been a busy weekend, and i seem to just crash into bed instead of remembering to blog!  

Day 20 -Fri
today, i am thankful for birthdays.  it sy's birthday weekend, and we have a whole lot of plans.  tonight's included dinner with his church friends and drinks with more friends.  i spent a lot of the night just watching him, watching him laugh with his friends, talk animatedly, joke around.  i could see how happy he was to be surrounded by the people he loves most.  and i thought about how the night before, we had spent the night with his family celebrating with them.  and he was so happy to celebrate with his adorable nephew.  even though sy isn't big on birthdays, and even though it's not my own birthday to celebrate, i do think birthdays are worth being thankful for.  it's once a year in your life that you get to be shown love without it having to be weird or awkward; and people have an excuse to spend time with you amidst our busy schedules; and we get to build lifetime memories.  it's almost like a sabbath - except within a year's time, and for the purpose to stop and celebrate and honor someone you love.  =)


Day 21 - Sat
today was an extremely low key day.  today, i am thankful for good deals at stores.  haha!  i know it sounds so silly, but rite aid was having a sale on vitamins of buy 1 get 1 free!  i mean, come on, how often in life can you get something for FREE?  i saved myself $14!  i love a good deal.  i love knowing i saved a lot of money.  i love buying things and knowing i beat the system somehow.  and i can't wait to go back to buy some christmas decorations bc everything is on sale for 25% off!  i'm going to make my apt a christmas winter wonderland.  it's gonna be great.  and it will not be full price!  yay!


Day 22 - Sun
today i am thankful for family.  you know, sometimes it's easy to forget how much they love you and care about you bc it's easy to focus on their annoying sides, or the selfish things we do innately.  but then there are those times when only your family knows what must be going on in your head and knows how to give you the perfect solution to your stress - without ever having had to say a word.  i think there are so many times that i want to run away to california, avoid having to deal with family stress on a regular basis because i do remember these negative times more.  but on nights like tonight, i am so grateful for family and their ceaseless support and sacrificial love.

Day 19 - one small bite for mia, one giant step for food!

Today I am thankful for being able to eat my first real meal. I was nervous all day that I would not be able to eat anything at sy's birthday dinner with the family. I didn't want to be rude considering his mom went through all the trouble to make all this korean food. But I legit haven't eaten since mon.  And my soup lunch today did not sit well with me. But praise the Lord I was able to eat!  I even felt hungry and ate an entire plate!  It felt like a small miracle.  You know, I know I love food and I don't take it for granted ever. But now that I have had such an aversion to it for the past few days, it felt so good to enjoy taste again.  Yay!  Here's to eating well the rest of this birthday weekend!!

Day 18 - home is where the heart is

Today I am thankful for 2 things.

1. I got to work from home today and it was glorious.  It was nice to be able to do my work while lying in bed and not having to noonchee (be cognizant of) my co workers for being so lazy looking.  Bc I'm not!  I'm still recovering!  I think I really needed this day to gain some more strength before I have to sit in a cube for 9 hours straight.  I'm feeling much better now!

2. Sy and I just finished watching True Detective!  It was a great little series.  We got hooked right away and watched it super fast. I love good tv. I love being sucked into stuff.  It's exciting to have something to look forward to!

Oh... and maybe thankful point 1.5 - I've lost 4 lbs from this stomach thing.  Hooray!  I know I'm gonna gain it all back but it was nice to see my stomach a little flatter and to see the scale go down.  Haha!  Ahhh... if only I could keep it off!

Day 17 - God's little gift

Today was a rough day.  I either have food poisoning or a stomach bug. And it was an awful day of achiness, cramping, diarrhea, and no sleep.  But man, am I thankful for advil. That one little pill took away my fever and my aches, and now I feel so much better.  Medicine is amazing.  Thank goodness for science!  I had felt so miserable for so many hours and it took it all away!  What a little miracle in and of itself!

Day 16 - venn diagrams

today, i am thankful for the feeling of being included.  i feel like today has been a day filled with being part of secrets, being part of plans, being part of inside jokes, being part of a group. it's a nice feeling.  it made me remember when i first moved to ny after graduating from college, i knew no one.  i desperately wanted community and friends who i could see consistently.  i had left behind all my boston friends to come to this foreign city.  and now, 9 years later, i have all that i had wished and prayed for back then.  i love feeling like i'm part of something, that i am a jenga piece of a story.  and i love that together, we all make one very

interesting

and special

composite. 

Day 15 - a first breakthrough

today, i went to church.  as usual, after service, i stayed in the santuary a while to pray.  for the past few months, i usually cry pretty heavily during these prayer times.  i cry out to God with my petitions and plead for mercy for my life.  but today, i was unable to pray.  i think my bitterness towards God is growing hard - like a thick callous.  i was sitting there, trying to pray, wondering if i should go up to the front to receive prayer, wondering what i would say to them, wondering if the Holy Spirit would swoop in and just suddenly turn off my negative switch.  and then an old friend sat next to me.

he asked me how i was doing.  i hate that question lately.  do i answer truthfully?  No, i'm not okay.  i'm a little angry at God, and i feel like my life sucks but i know the real answer is my life doesn't suck, but i just can't get my head to convince my heart.  or do i lie and say I'm good.  how about you?  i go through this mental battle a lot.  so i answered truthfully bc he's a friend, and i am so sick of lying.  so i told him about my stupid woes of hating my job, feeling trapped in a dead end job, feeling hopeless about finding a new job, and just overall feeling like God won't answer my prayers.  and he, of course, tried to encourage me, that he knows how i feel, that God has purpose for all things, etc, etc.  i could feel my heart hardening to his words.  yeah yeah yeah, i know the speech. i just can't get myself to get on board with this right now. 

and then he started telling me about how he constantly reminds himself to be thankful.  and he thinks about all the times that God rescued him out of bad times.  and again, my bitter heart was like yeah yeah yeah, i am blessed, i know.  but then he started saying how he'll never forget the time when the police knocked on his door and told him he needed to vacate his apt immediately bc he was being evicted.  and i was like, wait... what?!  and as i listened to him talk about this story of how God rescued him from being evicted, i sat there shamefully thinking about how much of a stupid baby i must sound like to him. 

here i am complaining about my job that i hate but pays me well.  i complain that i feel like it is a dead end job - and yet it is the most stable job i could ever have, and i'm basically never going to get fired bc it's too necessary of a position while others face fear of layoffs all the time.  i complain how i feel like everyone else has so much more of an easy life than i do, and yet i have never once not had more than enough to pay my rent.  i have always had security and a place to live.

sy constantly tells me how i am not actually suffering in my life, and that i need to think about people less fortunate than me, rather than those who are more fortunate than me.  and while i always knew his words to be true, they never hit me deep until it was someone i actually knew.  my friend could have just as easily been me.  but it never has been.  i have been spared of that.

1. i have a very secure job that pays me well enough to live quite comfortably.
2. i have a tight knit group of friends who i love and they love me.
3. i have a family in which we really haven't experienced anything crazy healthwise and we are all relatively happy.
4. i have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and treats me well.

i thought about his suggestion that i think about the times God rescued me. 

i remembered the time when i was a teacher and i was under so much persecution that i lost 10 lbs and my body started to fail me and i had to go to so many doctors to try to fix it.  but God rescued me from that.  i ended up not needing to do any of the medical procedures i had scheduled bc i was cured.

i remembered the time after the breakup, when i felt like a zombie and had lost all hope that i'd ever find love again.  and look at the happy and healthy relationship i am in now!

i remembered how my parents up until 4 months ago, literally had a million dollars in debt, and now they are debt free!

God has taken care of me all these years.  He won't fail to take care of me now.  today, i am thankful for so many things.  i hope i can feel this way for a long time.

Day 13 and 14 - it's the freaking weekend, baby i'm about to have me some fun

oops... did it again!  sorry!  i'm getting pretty bad at remembering to do this each night.  hmm... does this mean that the blog isn't working?  we shall see!

Day 13 - Friday 11/7

it was a fairly boring day in that it felt like any other day of the week.  busy all day, the day flew by as usual.  that night, i went to sg.  i wasn't particularly in the mood to go to sg as i was feeling a little grumpy and kind of just wanted to be alone.  but i went anyway.  and even though nothing miraculous happened that night, i was somehow glad to be there.  i realized that my negative self wanted to go home and be alone.  and by being alone, it would sort of let me indulge in my desire to wallow.  but by being at sg, i was forced to make conversation, inadvertently be made to laugh, and be able to offer some sage words here and there about the biblestudy.  and while i totally get that sg should not be about me, i felt it was sort of like God kicking me in the butt a little.  to be like - nope!  you're not going home tonight.  tonight, you're going to be surrounded by people.  you're going to remember the goodness of community, and you're going to bring glory to Me somehow.  and who can't be thankful for bringing God the glory?

Day 14 - Sat 11/8

it was a good day.  it's been a long time since sy and i got to have some good, quality time alone together.  we ate some good brunch, we walked around in the city, we ate a fantastic dinner, and snuggled up to watch a movie.  there were flashes of moments throughout the day where i felt hope for the future - that things would soon be looking up again.  and i cling to those moments.  so what am i thankful for?  that amazing fried chicken at our favorite place in flushing. there's something so incredibly fantastic about this fried chicken.  one bite, and i feel like i am in heaven - no exaggeration.  haha!  it's silly to say that a fried chicken can make me feel so thankful, but that chicken can turn an awful day into a great day.  and that chicken graced my life once again.  i'm so thankful for this chicken.  while the taste alone can be the reason it makes me so happy, it's also the happy memories i attach with it.  sy and i have never had a bad time when we eat that chicken.  hahahaha.  it is truly a magical fried chicken.

Day 12 - girl night in

ack!  i fell asleep again without blogging.  sorry.  haha, although, i DID lay in bed thinking what would i write about and then fell asleep.  sigh.  to be honest, yesterday was another one of those days where i really struggled to find something to be thankful for.  it was not a good day at work.  i was supposed to meet seo yeong for dinner, but she ended up cancelling on me.  and you know what?  i think i needed it.  i think i needed to be alone, some time to rest for once, and not think about my day.  so i'm thankful that God intervened and gave me this night off.  it probably would not have been productive for neither me nor seo yeong.  i love how God knows us.  hopefully today will be a better day!

Day 11 - a walk to remember

Ack!  I fell asleep early last night and didn't get to blog (nor shower, nor practice my guitar)!  Fail!  Anyhoo, my day was insanely busy, but i was able to get out of relatively on time.  sy and i got to wander around midtown east shopping and looking for a bar to stop in.  instead of sticking to my diet, i ended up convincing sy to go to one of our fave restaurants and getting pasta and pizza.  haha!  you would think that that would be my favorite part of the night, but after dinner, we spontaneously decided to walk across the queensboro bridge!  it may not be as lovely as the brooklyn bridge, but it was a fascinating and interesting walk!  it was fun to walk across the water with my love.  it was fun to see this very slow tour of manhattan to roosevelt island to queens.  and it was nice to stroll along on the last warm-ish night before the rain and cold settled in today.  i'm thankful for our spontaneous walk bc it was cool and memorable.  i should've taken a picture!  what a random and fun night!

Day 10 - Shake It Off

i spent the vast majority of today working.  i worked from 9:30am to 9pm.  it was a long day.  but you know what got me through nearly 12 hours of work?  the new taylor swift album!  hahaha.  i think i legit listened to that album like 10x straight.  i never got sick of it, and people walking by would find me bopping in my seat and dancing along.  it was a long day, but having great music helped keep me a lot more positive than i could've been.  i'm thankful again for anna - for this awesome gift, and i'm thankful for taylor swift for creating a great album for me to enjoy, and i'm super thankful for good music in general.  man, how on earth do people get through work without good music??  can't live without it!

Day 9 - The Three Monkeys

today, i had plans to have drinks with michelle, sy, and dianna.  when dianna ended up cancelling, my first impulse was to think - YES!  i can just go home, relax, and veg out.  but deep down inside, i knew that the right thing to do was to go see michelle.  she is my friend, my former roommate, and it always meant a good time with her.  and it turned out to be a great time!  we laughed so much, we reminisced about funny stories, we made bets on the future, we got excited for things to come.  and i realized, if i had gone home, while i would have had a relaxing night of food, tv, and maybe some early sleep - i would have missed out on this.  i've missed michelle and our crazy friendship.  and somehow, with my crazy work schedule and having to meet other people more urgently, i somehow went months without talking to michelle.  but tonight, from the moment we saw each other, it was like we had picked up right where we left off.  and it was easy, crazy, and natural.  i love friendships like that.  the ones that don't need so much maintenance work but are just so natural that you never have to worry about finding a new topic to talk about.  i'm thankful for friendships and i'm especially thankful for my crazy friend michelle. 

Day 8 - Wanting

Today, at church, I sat and prayed for a long time.  I prayed about potentially getting this new job and that maybe this week could be the week that my life changes.  And as I thought about all the other things in my life that I wish I could change, I broke down in tears feeling down and discouraged.  Thoughts of what if I don't get this job rattled within ny head.  My jealous comparisons stung me left me and right.  And as I sat there crying, the worship team began singing a song I haven't heard in a long time and the lyrics haunted me.

"I love You, more than anything, more than anything Jesus."

And as I sat there, listening to the lovely melody of this lyric, I thought about how it's been a long time since I've felt this way.  Do I love jesus more than anything? Or do I love the idea of a new job more?  Or do I love the idea of winning the lottery more?  Or do I love the idea of being skinny more?  I thought about how right now, I love all those things more. And maybe if I loved jesus more, I wouldn't feel so unhappy bc if He is all I want, I can easily get Him.  And then wouldn't I be satisfied?  I realized that I am not content to have just jesus anymore.  I need everything else. 

It was such a wake up call of how much I have neglected my relationship with God.  My eyes have not been fixed on Him.  I have been fixed on things of this world. I'm not sure how I am going to go about this, but I know that perspective has to change.  Not just being grateful for what I have, but not valuing these worldly things as much.

So today, I am thankful for my worship team for playing the perfect song at the perfect moment to pierce my heart.  I really needed to hear it.

Day 7 - VOD-elightful!

today, i made an amazing discovery!  it turns out that i have free Video On Demand with Time Warner!  i hate time warner with my life, and it was such a huge disappointment when i found out my apt only allows time warner.  but i found out that i have access to tons of tv shows!  so i spent today catching up on Grey's Anatomy!  none of the annoying ads on hulu, being able to watch on the big screen tv, it was great!  and free!  i hate time warner, but i'm thankful for this 1 facet of time warner.  here's to watching lots of tv!

Day 6 - Spooktacular

hello!  this entry is a little late bc i forgot to write last night before i went to sleep.  so i think i'll just write 2 entries today.  yesterday was halloween, and i decided that i wanted to go out for halloween.  in my entire adult life, i have never gone out for halloween nor gotten dressed up for it.  i'm not sure why i never did anything.  i think it was probably for a bunch of reasons - 1) i'm technically not supposed to celebrate halloween bc i'm a conservative christian and it's like celebrating evil.  hahaha.  how silly that sounds.  2) my friends never really wanted to go out for halloween bc it was a hassle to find costumes, or we didn't have any parties to go to.  3) halloween usually has pretty crummy weather, so who wants to go out in that?  but this year, i had such a strong itch to do something for halloween.  and honestly, i really wanted to do a couple costume.  i've never been able to do anything like that in all my dating years bc the guy never wanted to do anything.  but despite sy not wanting to do it either, he muscled up for me and did it bc it would make me happy.

and so i went!  sy and i got dressed up as The Price Is Right contestants.  and despite the cold weather, i had a blast!  it was SO FUN seeing NYC become alive in such a different way.  i'm used to seeing new yorkers dressed in suits for work, but it was hilarious to just walk on the sidewalk and see a steady stream of random characters.  you'll run into a giant shark, a pirate, zombies galore, apps, superheroes, you name it!  people watching was so cool!  and the best part of the night?  every time people would look at me and sy's costumes and seeing their light bulbs go off when they figure out what we are and smiling - that's the best!  and if they make comments like "nice costume!" or yell out "the price is right!" i'd throw my little fist pump in the air so pleased with the affirmation!  hahaha!  i know it sounds so silly, but that was my favorite part of night!  i'm so thankful that sy agreed to go with me, and i'm so glad i got to finally try the halloween thing!  it's super fun and i can't wait to do it again next year!  =D