Even if

I was at church one Sunday, and the pastor was talking about the age-old topic of what it takes to be a christian.  It was the usual speech about how we typically bargain with God - i.e. I'll go to church if you help me get this job.  I'll be a better Christian if you help me get a boyfriend.  I'll pray every day if you get me out of this pickle.  In usual pastoral fashion, he re-framed the question to say that as Christians, we should be saying the opposite - I'll go to church even if I don't get this job.  I'll be a better Christian even if I am single forever.  I'll pray every day even if I never get out of this pickle.  To be honest, this didn't have much impact on me bc I've heard this sermon hundreds of times before.  I know the answer between the "even" and the "even if" scenarios. 

But something changed.  I looked over at Sy sitting next to me, and I thought about our marriage.  Could I apply these questions to him?  I thought about our early days of dating, and how those "if" questions had been so important.  I'll go on a date with him if he asks me out.  I'll say I love you if he says it first.  I'll marry him if I feel like he's got all the characteristics I want in a husband.  Everything was so conditional.  But now that we're married, there's no getting out of it - we're committed, and that's that.

So I wondered, what are the new "even if" statements that faced me now?  I will love you even if we fight.  I will keep fighting for our marriage even if it feels too hard.  I will follow and submit to you even if I don't agree.  I will be selfless even if I want to be selfish so badly.  Thinking about those statements, I realized how hard it is to be married.  "Even if" events will occur in our marriage for sure.  There's no uncertainty about that.  But I committed to be his wife, and that means that I don't walk away even when our life is riddled with "even if" situations.

As we journey further into our 2nd year of marriage, I am learning more and more that marriage is not just about creating as many happy memories as possible - it's about being there - and not leaving.  I love being married, but it has shown me very acutely how nice it was when I lived only for myself.  Relationships are wonderful - but they come at a cost - whether it's with your best friend, your husband, or your God, relationships require sacrifice.  I still think it's worth it - even if it's harder than I'll ever imagine.