Hello blog world!
soooo... big news! i got married! =D (i know, it's been way too long since i last wrote in this blog.)
while i was on honeymoon, i had trouble sleeping at night, and all these thoughts kept coming to my brain, and i realized that i wanted to write these thoughts down before i forgot all about them and life steamrolled over me and then all of a sudden another year had gone by. i considered starting a new married journal, but then i realized that i remember my blog entries a lot more clearly than i do my journal entries. and with these new married thoughts in my head, i wanted to make sure i remembered them - to really value and learn from them. i'm sure, soon enough, i'm gonna just be another married lady. but while it's still fresh to me, i want to recount and remember all of these feelings and thoughts so that when i look back on our years of marriage, i can see the growth, the love, and the memories. so i've revamped my old blog - a new look for a new chapter of life! here we go! =)
i think a big thing i kept thinking about while on honeymoon was the notion that i am a selfish person. now, i'm sure you're thinking,
DUH, mia, we're all selfish. but to be really honest, i kind of always thought of myself as a very selfless person, someone who was sacrificial to the point of being detrimental to myself. but i learned that i am actually quite selfish - and maybe i don't always act on it (which is good), but it's there - lying inside me like a seagull waiting for a beachgoer to look away for one second and then steal his food.
i saw it come out on our honeymoon. it was my first time in both greece and paris, and there were so many things i wanted to see, do, eat, experience. i didn't want anything to prevent me from achieving these things. but the key thing is - i wasn't on this trip alone. i was married now. my desires now have to be vetted with the guy who married me, and he has to be okay with going along with everything i wanted to do. and here's the shocking part - i had to be okay with his desires too -
even if they didn't match mine. and this is where i ran into trouble.
i realized that in my mind, i easily agreed that i should do what he wants to do bc i love him, and i want him to be happy. but then, when it came time to actually go through with it, my inner being was like
NO! What about me??? and i realized that even though we had dated for a good amount of time, i was used to living my life for myself. my life was my own. i did what i wanted. and sure, there's the occasional acquiescing to your parents' requests, or sacrificing some stuff for a good friend, but to know that from now on, my life was not just mine anymore - it was
ours - it freaked me out.
i know that i want to be a good, little wife - the kind that sy will be proud to have, and his mom will be proud to call me her daughter in law, and the kind i'd be proud to be. but man, i didn't think it would involve so much of this
internal transformation. i thought all i had to do was cook some instagram-worthy meals, keep a tidy apt, and be a pleasant person. but nope! there's a lot more going on when you look into the ocean of being a wife.
there's a lot to learn, and thankfully, i've got the rest of my life to figure it out. but... i hope i can speed up the process for sy's sake and our marriage sake so we can have a wonderful and beautiful marriage forever and ever. it's not fun to see the dirty sins of myself - but i want to be a better person for him. i really hope that God's grace will transform me into a wife that brings glory to my husband and to Him. wish me luck!
