Lately, there has been a sense of sadness in my life. Maybe "sadness" is too strong of a word. But a feeling of downness. I tried to pinpoint what was causing this feeling, or why I was feeling this way, and I think I figured it out.
2015 was an amazing year for me. In Feb, Sy and I got engaged, and I had a beautiful, shiny diamond on my finger, and months' work of wedding planning to do. I loved wedding planning, so it was such a fun time for me. In May, Sy and I both got new jobs. I finally got a job in marketing after years of applying and getting rejected. It was my career-dream come true! In Sept, we moved into a brand new luxury apt. I had always wanted to live in a super lux building, and now I finally was. I felt like I had "made it" in life and was living in the lap of luxury. In Oct, we got married! Had the best day of my life! I never felt more beautiful and special than I did on that day. And then we left for our honeymoon - my best vacation ever.
Looking back, it was seriously the best year of my life. It was literally high after high after high.
So, now, here in 2016, there aren't as many highs as there used to be. Did I get used to constantly have the best ___ ever? Maybe I did! I've now been at my job for about a year, and the novelty has worn off. I no longer feel super lucky to have this job - it's just a job again. I no longer feel like I'm doing something really new and exciting - everything has become routine and rote. I am no longer planning my own wedding. The best day of my life is behind me and I'll technically never get to get married again - no amazing wedding dress, no photographers and videographers following me around - nothing! I'm so ordinary! We've been living in our apt and enjoying it. But now it's just our home - nothing crazy and unique.
If I think about my life in a graph-format, I realized that 2015 was like the up-part of a rollercoaster. My rollercoaster was just constantly ticking upwards to the pinnacle point, and now, the rollercoaster has passed its peak, and now we're coasting downwards. And it's not like we're going "down" into suffering or struggles. It's just no longer going upwards. Sy and I are going through the motions of being married. And while it's mostly good - there are times when marriage is tough - filled with phases of fighting, trying to not get annoyed by each other, compromising, doing things for the other person that you really don't feel like doing, and settling into our new roles.
Yes, we've experienced some new highs together - like our trip to London, my upcoming new role as an aunt to my sister's baby, learning to cook more, etc. But man, nothing compares to those major milestones I had in 2015. It's hard to adjust to a more ordinary life now.
I miss those days. I think this is just a new part of life that I have to figure out. I'm not depressed or down or sad. I'm just not on a high. I think this is very similar to our christian lives. You can't go from high to high with retreat after retreat. You have to figure out how to find joy and the highs in the mundane and the routine. I'm re-finding God through this process and not just thanking Him for all my amazing blessings, but just walking with Him in the boring as well. If life is a rollercoaster - then eventually, the ride will go back up. All parts of a rollercoaster ride are fun - you never say that just the highs were the best part - you say the whole ride was great. So I'm going to just keep on keeping my head up and remembering that this is all part of my rollercoaster ride of life. But I'm not gonna lie - I can't wait for more highs to come my way! =)
