being a bad girl...

so, over my vacation, one of the things that really sticks out in my head as memorable, was when walter and i watched a movie on sat, and then snuck into another movie afterwards.

i gotta tell ya - it was THRILLING. i was sooooo nervous the whole time we were trying to sneak in. at first, the escalator going from the floor we were on, to go see "the goods, live hard and sell hard" was blocked off with one of those elastic lines. i thought, "oh man, we're never gonna get through this." but then, walter and i just went up to the teenager taking tickets and asked if we could go to the bathroom. i went to the bathroom to complete our lie, and when i exited the bathroom, there was walter, hiding behind the doorway!

we snuck into the auditorium, and put our stuff down. for the entire 15 min we had to wait for the previews to begin, i couldn't stop staring at all the entrances to see if that teenager would wonder why i never came back from the bathroom. what if he came looking for me? what would i say? i could show him my ticket stub, but that said, "julie and julia," NOT "the goods."

when the lights finally dimmed, and the previews began, i felt so victorious! like i had just performed something straight out of ocean's 11. haha. it was pretty awesome! and then, bc the movie was so bad, i was so glad that we didn't pay for it!

afterwards, i asked walter if he felt nervous at all throughout our whole "mission impossible," and he said no. and i wondered why i was so enthralled by it. and i realized that it's bc i've always been a "good girl" my whole life, that i've never really experienced what it's like to be bad.

i've always been the girl who played by the rules. i didn't cheat, i didn't copy my friends' homework, i didn't drink in college, i never tried any drugs. i've only been drunk once in my life- and i think it was tipsy at best.

i gotta tell ya - it felt pretty good to be bad. there's something so blood-rushing about trying not to get caught, and trying to get away with something that you don't deserve. it's like i put on a costume of a different mia, who did wild and crazy things. for once, i was not vanilla - i was phish food.

so i started thinking, how can i make my life this exciting all the time? i don't want to keep doing illegal things, and i generally am not a risk-taker. but u know, through this whole thing, i think what i can take away is that i need to just try new things.

over my vacation, i DID do a lot of new things.

1. i had my first hot stone massage - which btw, the stones are really hot! haha.
2. i tried my first egg sandwich on a croissant, and absolutely LOVED it. it was like paradise in my mouth!! i don't know why i was so nervous to try eating eggs on a croissant!
3, i tried a greek chicken souvlaki for the first time, and it wasn't bad!
4. walter and i walked across the brooklyn bridge for the first time, and it was beautiful and fun.

but alas, on my vacation, i also did NOT do some new things. i went to the beach, but was too scared to try to jump the waves, and now i regret it. i wish i had tried it.

in closing, i encourage u guys to try to do something new as often as u can. at the end of my life, i want lots of memories and not monotony. =)

risky business

so i'm just gonna be vulnerable.

a couple of weeks ago, the sermon at church was about how we need to pray "risky prayers." the pastor talked about how so often, we pray these safe prayers of just, "Lord, please be with her... etc" that we never pray the big, risky prayers that believe in how powerful and mighty our God is. the pastor encouraged us to pray things like, "Lord, let the cancer be gone tomorrow!"

so i did what he said. i prayed a really risky prayer. i prayed for something that i desperately need/want to happen, and gave God a very specific timeline to make it happen within. and honestly, for a few weeks, i had a definite peace in my heart with the full faith of knowing it was going to happen.

my heart had begun to feel lighter, my spirit was high, and i felt optimistic for the first time in a while.

this past week was supposed to be when it all happened.

and it didn't. nothing i prayed for came to fruition.

and now i'm left confused. what does this mean? i don't doubt for a second that God is not powerful enough to make it happen. and i understand the whole "God's timing vs our timing" philosophy. but what confuses is me is how the risky prayer plays into all of this. what's the point of praying the risky prayer if God is going to do what He wants on His time anyway? i understand the importance of prayer in general, but i'm starting to wonder if risky prayer is just one big disappointment.

bc that's how i felt sunday night. as the week came to a close, and a new week began, i felt the world back on my shoulders, my spirit was low, and i was a sad girl again.

oddly, the same pastor who preached about this risky prayer sermon, came back this sunday. and i felt like this was my chance to ask him what happened, what went wrong. in the end, he gave me the answer i expected to hear - it wasn't what God wanted for me. i wanted to punch him for getting my hopes up. i wanted to tell him that he should give this sermon with a disclaimer to sign. bc u know what? people like me found hope in it - and now i'm just let down.

ultimately, i am trusting God that He hears my prayers, and He feels his daughter's tears everytime another one rolls down my cheeks and falls onto the floor as i pray. but i have to admit... i feel a little let down.

u know the line from that praise song, "where a little faith's enough - to see mountains lift and move"? it always gets me. i always cry when i sing that one phrase bc it's so hopeful - so encouraging to someone who feels so hopeless. and yet - this time - i couldn't help but wonder if my little faith wasn't able to lift and move this mountain.