I wrote this entry back in June when I couldn't announce my pregnancy. I'm finally getting around to posting it now.
secret entry #1
It's been a little over a week since I found out I was pregnant. What a morning it was. On Friday morning, June 16, 2017, Sy and I had agreed we would take a pregnancy test first thing when we woke up. We had a summer Friday that day, so we had the entire day to recover from whatever news we got.
I poured over the instruction manuals for my pregnancy tests, took the test, and waited. On TV, they always make it sound like it's the longest 2 minutes of your life. But 2 minutes go by really fast when you're nervous. In the blink of an eye, my phone alarm went off. We checked the first test - positive. We took the 2nd test - positive again. After the 2 positive results, I hugged Sy and started to cry. It was tears of joy but also tears of sadness. TV and movies make it seem like you're either overjoyed or depressed when you find out you're pregnant. But the reality is, or maybe it was just for me, I felt both.
On the one hand, I was happy because I had always feared a little that I would be one of those unlucky women who had difficulty conceiving. But I wasn't! I was one of the lucky few who got it on their first try. And I was happy because we had wanted to start trying to have a baby - we had felt ready for it.
But when the positive result becomes a reality, it scared me - a LOT. And I immediately realized that the life that I knew and loved had an expiration date. I've been really content with my life. I love Sy, and I love our life. It's easy and fun! But soon enough, we'll no longer be just the 2 of us. Gone will be the days of netflix binging for hours, or aimless meandering through the city, or spontaneous trips. Everything will revolve around this new baby, and our lives will no longer be ours - but this baby's. And while I know I will love this baby so much, I also started to mourn this happy chapter of our life. I wasn't ready to close this part, and I kept crying thinking about all the change that was coming our way fast.
It's crazy to think of myself as a mom. I still feel so young - even though I'm already 34 - quickly approaching the unsafe age to bear children. I also still feel like I have so much I have left to do without a child, but this is happening. And each day now feels like a countdown - which is scary but also exciting. I've always been someone who didn't like change. I think the planner in me hates to figure out everything all over again. I also don't like the unpredictability of change - I don't know what to expect. Since the day I took this test, it's been non-stop worrying. What are we going to do? Do we need to move to a bigger place? Can we afford a 2 bedroom apt? Should we move closer to Sy's family? or mine? Who will take care of the baby when I go back to work? Can we afford daycare? Do I need to get a new job? Am I going to one of those women who have terrible morning sickness? How do I hide it from co-workers? And the questions went on forever.
I am hesitant to even write this post because I don't want to be judged as a mother who is so selfish to think only about herself. But I think it's important to share the reality of things - that what we see on tv/movies and instagram and social media may not be realistic representations of how we really feel on the inside. Yes, I am excited for this little one, but I think it's normal to feel scared and unhappy about the upcoming changes. I'm going to have plenty of mom-guilt in the future, and I don't think women should have to add this to our long list of things we have to hide.
I hope whoever is still reading this blog, you will pray for and support our new little one and all the crazy things it comes with, and will help to journey with us as we figure it all out!
WOW - we're having a baby! =O
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Who am I?
I wrote this entry back in July, and I totally forgot to hit publish. Here we go!
For the past 3 weeks, I have been in the process of changing my name. It started with the social security office, then the DMV, and then any institution that has my name on record.
For the majority of my life, I couldn't WAIT to get rid of my last name. It had been such a pain in the butt throughout childhood. I was made fun of by other kids, I was once even made fun of by my own teacher. On top of the teasing - it was also frustrating that no one ever pronounced my name correctly. (people always call me maya joe. why??? WHYYY???)
So for these very obvious reasons, I was all too eager to change my name when I got married. But when I actually did get married, I suddenly found myself reluctant to change my name. I had been my name for my entire life - and now I was supposed to be someone else? So I dragged my feet - I took my sweet time - and postponed changing my name. I wasn't ready for the change.
But now, 21 months into marriage, I decided it was time. So I started the process. Going to the social security office was a huge pain - it took me nearly an hour to get there. But when I got there, it took all of 3 minutes for me to hand in a form, and bam! I was no longer Mia Joo. In the United States of America, my record had changed instantly, and Mia Joo was gone. As I packed up my belongings, I started to cry as I felt like I hadn't had a chance to really say goodbye to her. It happened so fast, and she was gone in an instant.
I once heard a sermon about the significance of changing your name. When you get a new name, you are given a new life. When Saul became Paul - he was a new person. He changed into a man who followed after Jesus and left behind his old ways. When I think about the old Mia - she definitely had her flaws. I would love to be able to shed those flaws, those insecurities, and those negative qualities. So instead of being sad - maybe I can take this opportunity to give myself a new life - start over - do things the way I always hoped to.
When I was a kid, I had heard about the benefit of starting over at a new school. No one knew who you were before, so you could be anyone you wanted to be. I never moved around, so my identity was always the same. I guess this is my new "school" and my chance to reinvent myself. Maybe Mia Sung will be a bold and daring woman. Maybe she'll be more outgoing and fun!
Either way - I'm taking this new life change with careful consideration. I don't want this to be just an edit on a form. I want my new name to be symbolic of a new life, a new me.
For the past 3 weeks, I have been in the process of changing my name. It started with the social security office, then the DMV, and then any institution that has my name on record.
For the majority of my life, I couldn't WAIT to get rid of my last name. It had been such a pain in the butt throughout childhood. I was made fun of by other kids, I was once even made fun of by my own teacher. On top of the teasing - it was also frustrating that no one ever pronounced my name correctly. (people always call me maya joe. why??? WHYYY???)
So for these very obvious reasons, I was all too eager to change my name when I got married. But when I actually did get married, I suddenly found myself reluctant to change my name. I had been my name for my entire life - and now I was supposed to be someone else? So I dragged my feet - I took my sweet time - and postponed changing my name. I wasn't ready for the change.
But now, 21 months into marriage, I decided it was time. So I started the process. Going to the social security office was a huge pain - it took me nearly an hour to get there. But when I got there, it took all of 3 minutes for me to hand in a form, and bam! I was no longer Mia Joo. In the United States of America, my record had changed instantly, and Mia Joo was gone. As I packed up my belongings, I started to cry as I felt like I hadn't had a chance to really say goodbye to her. It happened so fast, and she was gone in an instant.
I once heard a sermon about the significance of changing your name. When you get a new name, you are given a new life. When Saul became Paul - he was a new person. He changed into a man who followed after Jesus and left behind his old ways. When I think about the old Mia - she definitely had her flaws. I would love to be able to shed those flaws, those insecurities, and those negative qualities. So instead of being sad - maybe I can take this opportunity to give myself a new life - start over - do things the way I always hoped to.
When I was a kid, I had heard about the benefit of starting over at a new school. No one knew who you were before, so you could be anyone you wanted to be. I never moved around, so my identity was always the same. I guess this is my new "school" and my chance to reinvent myself. Maybe Mia Sung will be a bold and daring woman. Maybe she'll be more outgoing and fun!
Either way - I'm taking this new life change with careful consideration. I don't want this to be just an edit on a form. I want my new name to be symbolic of a new life, a new me.
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