I wrote this entry back in June when I couldn't announce my pregnancy. I'm finally getting around to posting it now.
secret entry #1
It's been a little over a week since I found out I was pregnant. What a morning it was. On Friday morning, June 16, 2017, Sy and I had agreed we would take a pregnancy test first thing when we woke up. We had a summer Friday that day, so we had the entire day to recover from whatever news we got.
I poured over the instruction manuals for my pregnancy tests, took the test, and waited. On TV, they always make it sound like it's the longest 2 minutes of your life. But 2 minutes go by really fast when you're nervous. In the blink of an eye, my phone alarm went off. We checked the first test - positive. We took the 2nd test - positive again. After the 2 positive results, I hugged Sy and started to cry. It was tears of joy but also tears of sadness. TV and movies make it seem like you're either overjoyed or depressed when you find out you're pregnant. But the reality is, or maybe it was just for me, I felt both.
On the one hand, I was happy because I had always feared a little that I would be one of those unlucky women who had difficulty conceiving. But I wasn't! I was one of the lucky few who got it on their first try. And I was happy because we had wanted to start trying to have a baby - we had felt ready for it.
But when the positive result becomes a reality, it scared me - a LOT. And I immediately realized that the life that I knew and loved had an expiration date. I've been really content with my life. I love Sy, and I love our life. It's easy and fun! But soon enough, we'll no longer be just the 2 of us. Gone will be the days of netflix binging for hours, or aimless meandering through the city, or spontaneous trips. Everything will revolve around this new baby, and our lives will no longer be ours - but this baby's. And while I know I will love this baby so much, I also started to mourn this happy chapter of our life. I wasn't ready to close this part, and I kept crying thinking about all the change that was coming our way fast.
It's crazy to think of myself as a mom. I still feel so young - even though I'm already 34 - quickly approaching the unsafe age to bear children. I also still feel like I have so much I have left to do without a child, but this is happening. And each day now feels like a countdown - which is scary but also exciting. I've always been someone who didn't like change. I think the planner in me hates to figure out everything all over again. I also don't like the unpredictability of change - I don't know what to expect. Since the day I took this test, it's been non-stop worrying. What are we going to do? Do we need to move to a bigger place? Can we afford a 2 bedroom apt? Should we move closer to Sy's family? or mine? Who will take care of the baby when I go back to work? Can we afford daycare? Do I need to get a new job? Am I going to one of those women who have terrible morning sickness? How do I hide it from co-workers? And the questions went on forever.
I am hesitant to even write this post because I don't want to be judged as a mother who is so selfish to think only about herself. But I think it's important to share the reality of things - that what we see on tv/movies and instagram and social media may not be realistic representations of how we really feel on the inside. Yes, I am excited for this little one, but I think it's normal to feel scared and unhappy about the upcoming changes. I'm going to have plenty of mom-guilt in the future, and I don't think women should have to add this to our long list of things we have to hide.
I hope whoever is still reading this blog, you will pray for and support our new little one and all the crazy things it comes with, and will help to journey with us as we figure it all out!
WOW - we're having a baby! =O
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