a new state of being

last week, i went to the New York State DMV to apply for my new driver's license.  my nj license was expiring, and i decided that now that i was married, i should probably get a new license with my married home, and stop living under my parents' car insurance.  it sounded simple and logical enough, until they made me surrender my NJ license as i requested a new NY license.

i'm not gonna lie - i cried.  no, it's not that i'm some kind of drama queen and i cry at the drop of a hat.  but i think the deeper symbolism kept eating at my soul.  i've had a nj license since i was 16.  my identity has always been a nj girl.  when i went to boston, i said i was from nj. when i moved to nyc, i kept my nj license as i always considered that my permanent residence.  even after 10 years of living in nyc, i feel proud of the fact that i am not a hard, jaded, cynical, rude new yorker; i am a kind, polite, and helpful nj girl who happens to live in nyc but kept her suburban geniality. 

but now, my license says i am a new yorker - and that comes with all the implications that you would associate with a new yorker. as i've been given this new title, it means it has stripped away a part of my original identity.  a part of who i am has been removed and been replaced with something else.  and it's jarring - and also a bit sad.  yes, i acknowledge there are great things with being associated as a new yorker.  i am associated with being driven, ambitious, street-smart, cultured, fast.  but it doesn't change the fact that a part of my identity has been taken away.

i cried a little after the DMV clerk told me i was done, and i'd receive my new license in 2-3 weeks. i didn't even get a chance to look at my license one last time before they threw it away.  i wanted a chance to look back on the girl i had been for so long - say goodbye to her.

and the heartbreaking part is, i realized that it's going to be SO much harder when i officially change my name over to my new married name.  if i feel like a part of my identity has died just bc i got a new license, i can't even begin to imagine the sorrow i will feel when i lose the name i proudly carried for the last 33 years of my life.  people always focus on the wonderful things about marriage, but maybe they deliberately leave out these sad things so as not to scare you off.  marriage strips away so many things about yourself.  it strips your ability to be selfish, your time, your name, and eventually even my body will be stripped away from me to be given over all for the needs of a baby. 

i wish i could've said goodbye to that girl. that 16-33 year old girl who had felt so proud the day she passed her road test.  the girl who used to sneak the car out when her parents weren't home to practice k-turns in the street.  the girl who used to drive late at night to go get cheese fries with her best friends. the girl who used this ID to buy cigarettes for her underage friends. the girl who put organ donor on her license and then her family made her go and change it out of fear the doctors wouldn't save her life. the girl who kissed secret boyfriends in the safety of her car parked far away from home. i wish i could've said goodbye to this girl and all her memories that one card could hold.

i guess this is all part of the circle of life. we move on to different stages of life, and you have to give up things to gain new things.  i would never give up the awesomeness of being married just so i can keep a piece of plastic that says NJ on it. but i think it's given me a new perspective of how much i really cherished who i am and everything it took to get me to be who i am.  we can't stay forever frozen in our old selves - we have to keep moving forward - evolving into a better version of ourselves. but at least now, i will be better equipped to treasure every moment bc you never know when you'll already be moving into the next phase.

Never second best

Sy and I were at church last Sunday, and the sermon talked about how in life, you need to have a "right" relationship with everything in order for things to be good.  Take your apt - you have a contract with your landlord stating these are the things I will do to be a good tenant, and you will do to be a good landlord. As long as everyone abides by these relationship guidelines, then you will get to live in an apt with no fear of eviction.  Same with your job - you have a contract with your boss that you will do x,y,z tasks and you get to keep your job.  When you start to not live up to these guidelines or expectations, then the relationship starts to crumble.  You could lose your job, you could lose a friend, you could lose your spouse.

The pastor said that in our world, we bring our righteousness to people and ask them to see us as worthy.  I show my landlord my financial credentials and he deems me worthy to live in the building.  I show my resume to HR and they deem me worthy to work here. I show people my personality and they deem me worthy to be a friend.

We spend all our time trying to measure up.  Me, especially - the chronic people pleaser - I am constantly trying to measure up to being the best.  I work so hard to be the best sister, the best daughter, the best friend, the best employee, have the best body, have the best material belongings, everything the best.  And now, my 4 newest measuring sticks - being the best wife, be the best daughter in law, be the best sister in law, be the best host, be the best cook - it's exhausting!

And then the pastor pointed out that God is the only one we don't have to bring our righteousness to - we don't have to ask Him to deem us worthy or not.  He brought His righteousness to me, and then made me righteous.  While I sat there and absorbed this thought - I realized what a comfort this is.  I'm internally very tired a lot because of all the people pleasing that I do - and all for what?  I'm not the best employee, I'm not the best cook, I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good wife, and I'm certainly not winning at the daughter-in-law of the year award!  So when I think about how with God, I don't have to try - He already accepts me and loves me and finds me perfect - that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I think I've spent these first few months of marriage thinking about what I can do better, what Sy can do better, how to make my life better - but I forgot to take a minute to think about how God has loved me.  And with Him - I don't have to constantly be trying to make a better version of me bc maybe He'll leave me. He loves me as is, and only wants the best version of me bc that would be best for me - not bc He will score me against some invisible social ruler.

What a sense of relief that is!  It's nice to not be measured but just embraced.