last week, i went to the New York State DMV to apply for my new driver's license. my nj license was expiring, and i decided that now that i was married, i should probably get a new license with my married home, and stop living under my parents' car insurance. it sounded simple and logical enough, until they made me surrender my NJ license as i requested a new NY license.
i'm not gonna lie - i cried. no, it's not that i'm some kind of drama queen and i cry at the drop of a hat. but i think the deeper symbolism kept eating at my soul. i've had a nj license since i was 16. my identity has always been a nj girl. when i went to boston, i said i was from nj. when i moved to nyc, i kept my nj license as i always considered that my permanent residence. even after 10 years of living in nyc, i feel proud of the fact that i am not a hard, jaded, cynical, rude new yorker; i am a kind, polite, and helpful nj girl who happens to live in nyc but kept her suburban geniality.
but now, my license says i am a new yorker - and that comes with all the implications that you would associate with a new yorker. as i've been given this new title, it means it has stripped away a part of my original identity. a part of who i am has been removed and been replaced with something else. and it's jarring - and also a bit sad. yes, i acknowledge there are great things with being associated as a new yorker. i am associated with being driven, ambitious, street-smart, cultured, fast. but it doesn't change the fact that a part of my identity has been taken away.
i cried a little after the DMV clerk told me i was done, and i'd receive my new license in 2-3 weeks. i didn't even get a chance to look at my license one last time before they threw it away. i wanted a chance to look back on the girl i had been for so long - say goodbye to her.
and the heartbreaking part is, i realized that it's going to be SO much harder when i officially change my name over to my new married name. if i feel like a part of my identity has died just bc i got a new license, i can't even begin to imagine the sorrow i will feel when i lose the name i proudly carried for the last 33 years of my life. people always focus on the wonderful things about marriage, but maybe they deliberately leave out these sad things so as not to scare you off. marriage strips away so many things about yourself. it strips your ability to be selfish, your time, your name, and eventually even my body will be stripped away from me to be given over all for the needs of a baby.
i wish i could've said goodbye to that girl. that 16-33 year old girl who had felt so proud the day she passed her road test. the girl who used to sneak the car out when her parents weren't home to practice k-turns in the street. the girl who used to drive late at night to go get cheese fries with her best friends. the girl who used this ID to buy cigarettes for her underage friends. the girl who put organ donor on her license and then her family made her go and change it out of fear the doctors wouldn't save her life. the girl who kissed secret boyfriends in the safety of her car parked far away from home. i wish i could've said goodbye to this girl and all her memories that one card could hold.
i guess this is all part of the circle of life. we move on to different stages of life, and you have to give up things to gain new things. i would never give up the awesomeness of being married just so i can keep a piece of plastic that says NJ on it. but i think it's given me a new perspective of how much i really cherished who i am and everything it took to get me to be who i am. we can't stay forever frozen in our old selves - we have to keep moving forward - evolving into a better version of ourselves. but at least now, i will be better equipped to treasure every moment bc you never know when you'll already be moving into the next phase.
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