Never second best

Sy and I were at church last Sunday, and the sermon talked about how in life, you need to have a "right" relationship with everything in order for things to be good.  Take your apt - you have a contract with your landlord stating these are the things I will do to be a good tenant, and you will do to be a good landlord. As long as everyone abides by these relationship guidelines, then you will get to live in an apt with no fear of eviction.  Same with your job - you have a contract with your boss that you will do x,y,z tasks and you get to keep your job.  When you start to not live up to these guidelines or expectations, then the relationship starts to crumble.  You could lose your job, you could lose a friend, you could lose your spouse.

The pastor said that in our world, we bring our righteousness to people and ask them to see us as worthy.  I show my landlord my financial credentials and he deems me worthy to live in the building.  I show my resume to HR and they deem me worthy to work here. I show people my personality and they deem me worthy to be a friend.

We spend all our time trying to measure up.  Me, especially - the chronic people pleaser - I am constantly trying to measure up to being the best.  I work so hard to be the best sister, the best daughter, the best friend, the best employee, have the best body, have the best material belongings, everything the best.  And now, my 4 newest measuring sticks - being the best wife, be the best daughter in law, be the best sister in law, be the best host, be the best cook - it's exhausting!

And then the pastor pointed out that God is the only one we don't have to bring our righteousness to - we don't have to ask Him to deem us worthy or not.  He brought His righteousness to me, and then made me righteous.  While I sat there and absorbed this thought - I realized what a comfort this is.  I'm internally very tired a lot because of all the people pleasing that I do - and all for what?  I'm not the best employee, I'm not the best cook, I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good wife, and I'm certainly not winning at the daughter-in-law of the year award!  So when I think about how with God, I don't have to try - He already accepts me and loves me and finds me perfect - that is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I think I've spent these first few months of marriage thinking about what I can do better, what Sy can do better, how to make my life better - but I forgot to take a minute to think about how God has loved me.  And with Him - I don't have to constantly be trying to make a better version of me bc maybe He'll leave me. He loves me as is, and only wants the best version of me bc that would be best for me - not bc He will score me against some invisible social ruler.

What a sense of relief that is!  It's nice to not be measured but just embraced.