Pregnancy changes everything about you. Every day, I notice different and new things changing about my body. But the biggest change (at least for me) is the weight gain.
I feel like I've spent the majority of my late adulthood trying to manage my weight. I've always been either dieting to some degree or not dieting and ballooning into an oompa loompa. When Sy and I got engaged, I went into hardcore diet mode to look amazing for our wedding day. But as a result, as soon as it was the day after our wedding, I went into chips and ice cream every day mode, and then gained 18 pounds in our first year of marriage. (EEK! Haha!) I spent the first half of year 2 of marriage losing that weight, and then I got pregnant.
During the first trimester, I lost 3 lbs from morning sickness. So I really did not look pregnant at all. If anything, I was getting closer and closer to my original wedding day weight! I was loving it! (even though I was so nauseous) But once the morning sickness was over, and then I started to enjoy food again, the pounds started coming.
I must say - pregnancy is nice bc it's the first time in my life where I'm not on a diet and I'm eating whatever I want (to a degree) and not feeling any guilt. Yes, I went through my phases where I let myself go, but it always came with a side of guilt. But this time around, it's been glorious bc I don't have to feel bad about eating an extra helping of mashed potatoes! I lost weight! I was in the negative and I needed to make up for lost time!
But nowadays, as the baby is growing exponentially faster, it's really freaking me out to see the scale go up so quickly. In the past 4 weeks, I've gained 6 lbs. And instead of watching my scale go steadily down, it's been alarming to see it go steadily up - pound by pound. And while I know that this is a good thing - that baby girl is growing and getting stronger, it's just so counter-intuitive to what I'm used to. I'm used to counting calories to make sure I don't eat too much. Now I count calories to make sure baby's gotten enough to eat. Instead of eating until I still felt a little hungry, I now don't let myself get hungry bc it could bring back the nausea.
Yesterday, I had a moment of sadness as I realized my waist has disappeared. What used to be an hourglass is now just a rectangle of body mass bc my baby bump has gotten significantly bigger. I think my butt has expanded to accommodate the bigger belly, and it was surprising! I know I'm only going to get bigger - but man, is it unnerving! I know I also lean towards being obsessive about my weight, but it just makes you realize how much sacrifice we make for our children. I love this baby girl so much, but she is legit taking over my body. And I'm giving up my body, my self-confidence, my eating habits, my entire being for her - and she's not even here yet! I can't even imagine what other aspects of my life I'm going to sacrifice for her. It's hard to let go of yourself - bc it's all I've ever known. But this is adulthood - this is parenthood - this is love.
Baby girl - I hope you're enjoying mama's body. Because I wouldn't do this for anyone else. =)
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
A little but big surprise!
I wrote this entry back in June when I couldn't announce my pregnancy. I'm finally getting around to posting it now.
secret entry #1
It's been a little over a week since I found out I was pregnant. What a morning it was. On Friday morning, June 16, 2017, Sy and I had agreed we would take a pregnancy test first thing when we woke up. We had a summer Friday that day, so we had the entire day to recover from whatever news we got.
I poured over the instruction manuals for my pregnancy tests, took the test, and waited. On TV, they always make it sound like it's the longest 2 minutes of your life. But 2 minutes go by really fast when you're nervous. In the blink of an eye, my phone alarm went off. We checked the first test - positive. We took the 2nd test - positive again. After the 2 positive results, I hugged Sy and started to cry. It was tears of joy but also tears of sadness. TV and movies make it seem like you're either overjoyed or depressed when you find out you're pregnant. But the reality is, or maybe it was just for me, I felt both.
On the one hand, I was happy because I had always feared a little that I would be one of those unlucky women who had difficulty conceiving. But I wasn't! I was one of the lucky few who got it on their first try. And I was happy because we had wanted to start trying to have a baby - we had felt ready for it.
But when the positive result becomes a reality, it scared me - a LOT. And I immediately realized that the life that I knew and loved had an expiration date. I've been really content with my life. I love Sy, and I love our life. It's easy and fun! But soon enough, we'll no longer be just the 2 of us. Gone will be the days of netflix binging for hours, or aimless meandering through the city, or spontaneous trips. Everything will revolve around this new baby, and our lives will no longer be ours - but this baby's. And while I know I will love this baby so much, I also started to mourn this happy chapter of our life. I wasn't ready to close this part, and I kept crying thinking about all the change that was coming our way fast.
It's crazy to think of myself as a mom. I still feel so young - even though I'm already 34 - quickly approaching the unsafe age to bear children. I also still feel like I have so much I have left to do without a child, but this is happening. And each day now feels like a countdown - which is scary but also exciting. I've always been someone who didn't like change. I think the planner in me hates to figure out everything all over again. I also don't like the unpredictability of change - I don't know what to expect. Since the day I took this test, it's been non-stop worrying. What are we going to do? Do we need to move to a bigger place? Can we afford a 2 bedroom apt? Should we move closer to Sy's family? or mine? Who will take care of the baby when I go back to work? Can we afford daycare? Do I need to get a new job? Am I going to one of those women who have terrible morning sickness? How do I hide it from co-workers? And the questions went on forever.
I am hesitant to even write this post because I don't want to be judged as a mother who is so selfish to think only about herself. But I think it's important to share the reality of things - that what we see on tv/movies and instagram and social media may not be realistic representations of how we really feel on the inside. Yes, I am excited for this little one, but I think it's normal to feel scared and unhappy about the upcoming changes. I'm going to have plenty of mom-guilt in the future, and I don't think women should have to add this to our long list of things we have to hide.
I hope whoever is still reading this blog, you will pray for and support our new little one and all the crazy things it comes with, and will help to journey with us as we figure it all out!
WOW - we're having a baby! =O
secret entry #1
It's been a little over a week since I found out I was pregnant. What a morning it was. On Friday morning, June 16, 2017, Sy and I had agreed we would take a pregnancy test first thing when we woke up. We had a summer Friday that day, so we had the entire day to recover from whatever news we got.
I poured over the instruction manuals for my pregnancy tests, took the test, and waited. On TV, they always make it sound like it's the longest 2 minutes of your life. But 2 minutes go by really fast when you're nervous. In the blink of an eye, my phone alarm went off. We checked the first test - positive. We took the 2nd test - positive again. After the 2 positive results, I hugged Sy and started to cry. It was tears of joy but also tears of sadness. TV and movies make it seem like you're either overjoyed or depressed when you find out you're pregnant. But the reality is, or maybe it was just for me, I felt both.
On the one hand, I was happy because I had always feared a little that I would be one of those unlucky women who had difficulty conceiving. But I wasn't! I was one of the lucky few who got it on their first try. And I was happy because we had wanted to start trying to have a baby - we had felt ready for it.
But when the positive result becomes a reality, it scared me - a LOT. And I immediately realized that the life that I knew and loved had an expiration date. I've been really content with my life. I love Sy, and I love our life. It's easy and fun! But soon enough, we'll no longer be just the 2 of us. Gone will be the days of netflix binging for hours, or aimless meandering through the city, or spontaneous trips. Everything will revolve around this new baby, and our lives will no longer be ours - but this baby's. And while I know I will love this baby so much, I also started to mourn this happy chapter of our life. I wasn't ready to close this part, and I kept crying thinking about all the change that was coming our way fast.
It's crazy to think of myself as a mom. I still feel so young - even though I'm already 34 - quickly approaching the unsafe age to bear children. I also still feel like I have so much I have left to do without a child, but this is happening. And each day now feels like a countdown - which is scary but also exciting. I've always been someone who didn't like change. I think the planner in me hates to figure out everything all over again. I also don't like the unpredictability of change - I don't know what to expect. Since the day I took this test, it's been non-stop worrying. What are we going to do? Do we need to move to a bigger place? Can we afford a 2 bedroom apt? Should we move closer to Sy's family? or mine? Who will take care of the baby when I go back to work? Can we afford daycare? Do I need to get a new job? Am I going to one of those women who have terrible morning sickness? How do I hide it from co-workers? And the questions went on forever.
I am hesitant to even write this post because I don't want to be judged as a mother who is so selfish to think only about herself. But I think it's important to share the reality of things - that what we see on tv/movies and instagram and social media may not be realistic representations of how we really feel on the inside. Yes, I am excited for this little one, but I think it's normal to feel scared and unhappy about the upcoming changes. I'm going to have plenty of mom-guilt in the future, and I don't think women should have to add this to our long list of things we have to hide.
I hope whoever is still reading this blog, you will pray for and support our new little one and all the crazy things it comes with, and will help to journey with us as we figure it all out!
WOW - we're having a baby! =O
Who am I?
I wrote this entry back in July, and I totally forgot to hit publish. Here we go!
For the past 3 weeks, I have been in the process of changing my name. It started with the social security office, then the DMV, and then any institution that has my name on record.
For the majority of my life, I couldn't WAIT to get rid of my last name. It had been such a pain in the butt throughout childhood. I was made fun of by other kids, I was once even made fun of by my own teacher. On top of the teasing - it was also frustrating that no one ever pronounced my name correctly. (people always call me maya joe. why??? WHYYY???)
So for these very obvious reasons, I was all too eager to change my name when I got married. But when I actually did get married, I suddenly found myself reluctant to change my name. I had been my name for my entire life - and now I was supposed to be someone else? So I dragged my feet - I took my sweet time - and postponed changing my name. I wasn't ready for the change.
But now, 21 months into marriage, I decided it was time. So I started the process. Going to the social security office was a huge pain - it took me nearly an hour to get there. But when I got there, it took all of 3 minutes for me to hand in a form, and bam! I was no longer Mia Joo. In the United States of America, my record had changed instantly, and Mia Joo was gone. As I packed up my belongings, I started to cry as I felt like I hadn't had a chance to really say goodbye to her. It happened so fast, and she was gone in an instant.
I once heard a sermon about the significance of changing your name. When you get a new name, you are given a new life. When Saul became Paul - he was a new person. He changed into a man who followed after Jesus and left behind his old ways. When I think about the old Mia - she definitely had her flaws. I would love to be able to shed those flaws, those insecurities, and those negative qualities. So instead of being sad - maybe I can take this opportunity to give myself a new life - start over - do things the way I always hoped to.
When I was a kid, I had heard about the benefit of starting over at a new school. No one knew who you were before, so you could be anyone you wanted to be. I never moved around, so my identity was always the same. I guess this is my new "school" and my chance to reinvent myself. Maybe Mia Sung will be a bold and daring woman. Maybe she'll be more outgoing and fun!
Either way - I'm taking this new life change with careful consideration. I don't want this to be just an edit on a form. I want my new name to be symbolic of a new life, a new me.
For the past 3 weeks, I have been in the process of changing my name. It started with the social security office, then the DMV, and then any institution that has my name on record.
For the majority of my life, I couldn't WAIT to get rid of my last name. It had been such a pain in the butt throughout childhood. I was made fun of by other kids, I was once even made fun of by my own teacher. On top of the teasing - it was also frustrating that no one ever pronounced my name correctly. (people always call me maya joe. why??? WHYYY???)
So for these very obvious reasons, I was all too eager to change my name when I got married. But when I actually did get married, I suddenly found myself reluctant to change my name. I had been my name for my entire life - and now I was supposed to be someone else? So I dragged my feet - I took my sweet time - and postponed changing my name. I wasn't ready for the change.
But now, 21 months into marriage, I decided it was time. So I started the process. Going to the social security office was a huge pain - it took me nearly an hour to get there. But when I got there, it took all of 3 minutes for me to hand in a form, and bam! I was no longer Mia Joo. In the United States of America, my record had changed instantly, and Mia Joo was gone. As I packed up my belongings, I started to cry as I felt like I hadn't had a chance to really say goodbye to her. It happened so fast, and she was gone in an instant.
I once heard a sermon about the significance of changing your name. When you get a new name, you are given a new life. When Saul became Paul - he was a new person. He changed into a man who followed after Jesus and left behind his old ways. When I think about the old Mia - she definitely had her flaws. I would love to be able to shed those flaws, those insecurities, and those negative qualities. So instead of being sad - maybe I can take this opportunity to give myself a new life - start over - do things the way I always hoped to.
When I was a kid, I had heard about the benefit of starting over at a new school. No one knew who you were before, so you could be anyone you wanted to be. I never moved around, so my identity was always the same. I guess this is my new "school" and my chance to reinvent myself. Maybe Mia Sung will be a bold and daring woman. Maybe she'll be more outgoing and fun!
Either way - I'm taking this new life change with careful consideration. I don't want this to be just an edit on a form. I want my new name to be symbolic of a new life, a new me.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Even if
I was at church one Sunday, and the pastor was talking about the age-old topic of what it takes to be a christian. It was the usual speech about how we typically bargain with God - i.e. I'll go to church if you help me get this job. I'll be a better Christian if you help me get a boyfriend. I'll pray every day if you get me out of this pickle. In usual pastoral fashion, he re-framed the question to say that as Christians, we should be saying the opposite - I'll go to church even if I don't get this job. I'll be a better Christian even if I am single forever. I'll pray every day even if I never get out of this pickle. To be honest, this didn't have much impact on me bc I've heard this sermon hundreds of times before. I know the answer between the "even" and the "even if" scenarios.
But something changed. I looked over at Sy sitting next to me, and I thought about our marriage. Could I apply these questions to him? I thought about our early days of dating, and how those "if" questions had been so important. I'll go on a date with him if he asks me out. I'll say I love you if he says it first. I'll marry him if I feel like he's got all the characteristics I want in a husband. Everything was so conditional. But now that we're married, there's no getting out of it - we're committed, and that's that.
So I wondered, what are the new "even if" statements that faced me now? I will love you even if we fight. I will keep fighting for our marriage even if it feels too hard. I will follow and submit to you even if I don't agree. I will be selfless even if I want to be selfish so badly. Thinking about those statements, I realized how hard it is to be married. "Even if" events will occur in our marriage for sure. There's no uncertainty about that. But I committed to be his wife, and that means that I don't walk away even when our life is riddled with "even if" situations.
As we journey further into our 2nd year of marriage, I am learning more and more that marriage is not just about creating as many happy memories as possible - it's about being there - and not leaving. I love being married, but it has shown me very acutely how nice it was when I lived only for myself. Relationships are wonderful - but they come at a cost - whether it's with your best friend, your husband, or your God, relationships require sacrifice. I still think it's worth it - even if it's harder than I'll ever imagine.
But something changed. I looked over at Sy sitting next to me, and I thought about our marriage. Could I apply these questions to him? I thought about our early days of dating, and how those "if" questions had been so important. I'll go on a date with him if he asks me out. I'll say I love you if he says it first. I'll marry him if I feel like he's got all the characteristics I want in a husband. Everything was so conditional. But now that we're married, there's no getting out of it - we're committed, and that's that.
So I wondered, what are the new "even if" statements that faced me now? I will love you even if we fight. I will keep fighting for our marriage even if it feels too hard. I will follow and submit to you even if I don't agree. I will be selfless even if I want to be selfish so badly. Thinking about those statements, I realized how hard it is to be married. "Even if" events will occur in our marriage for sure. There's no uncertainty about that. But I committed to be his wife, and that means that I don't walk away even when our life is riddled with "even if" situations.
As we journey further into our 2nd year of marriage, I am learning more and more that marriage is not just about creating as many happy memories as possible - it's about being there - and not leaving. I love being married, but it has shown me very acutely how nice it was when I lived only for myself. Relationships are wonderful - but they come at a cost - whether it's with your best friend, your husband, or your God, relationships require sacrifice. I still think it's worth it - even if it's harder than I'll ever imagine.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
The girl in the gray toggle coat
Recently, I've really been enjoying the act of purging my closet. It feels so cathartic to watch my closet have some breathing room as I remove more and more pieces of clothing. But for anyone who knows me well, they'd be surprised to know that this is my new pastime. I wouldn't say that I'm a hoarder, but I definitely have hoarding tendencies.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some crazy lady who can't differentiate garbage from necessities. But I am a very sentimental person. I see the meaning and symbolism in most objects, which makes it very difficult for me to say goodbye to them. My clothes definitely fall into this category.
I recently acquired a bunch of new winter coats, and my hallway closet has become overstuffed to the point where a puffy coat needed to re-puff itself once I took it off the hanger. I knew it was time to get rid of some of my coats. As I scanned the row of wool and down, my eyes fell upon my old gray, toggle coat. I immediately flashed back to my 26 year old self. That Mia was a lonely, idealistic, daydreaming romantic. She had been single for a couple of years and was ready to embark on the love story of her life. One day, while shopping, she laid eyes upon this perfect gray toggle coat and thought, "Oh my! What an adorable coat! It's the kind of coat that looks mature enough for a late 20-something girl, but had enough cute embellishments to stand out with girlish flare." I imagined wearing the coat while out in the city, and stumbling upon a handsome stranger, who thought she was cute. They would go on romantic winter dates with her wearing that coat. He would kiss her on the nose as the snow gently fell on top of her hood. He would hold her hand as they ran through the streets looking for cover. All this would happen because of this coat.
So I bought it! And you know what? I did meet a boy when I wore that coat. We dated for a few years, but broke up. As I looked at that coat now - wondering if I should throw it away - my heart tugged at me for a moment. Can you really throw away all those memories? You're throwing away that 26 year old girl! My hoarding tendencies came roaring out, and all my justifying thoughts came rushing in: you can still wear this coat! you don't have a gray coat in your repertoire! you need a coat that you don't care about getting dirty! But as my new sensible 34-year-old brain kicked in, I knew it was time to let it go. That coat fulfilled its duty. It was time to donate it to someone else who could use it and find joy in it.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to throw away the dress I wore when Sy proposed to me, or the sweater I wore when he whisked me off to Boston for a birthday surprise. Those clothes have too many special memories in them for me to let go of. But either way, I feel it's important to pay homage to these clothes and memories - whether I cherish them forever or scatter them to the wind.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not some crazy lady who can't differentiate garbage from necessities. But I am a very sentimental person. I see the meaning and symbolism in most objects, which makes it very difficult for me to say goodbye to them. My clothes definitely fall into this category.
I recently acquired a bunch of new winter coats, and my hallway closet has become overstuffed to the point where a puffy coat needed to re-puff itself once I took it off the hanger. I knew it was time to get rid of some of my coats. As I scanned the row of wool and down, my eyes fell upon my old gray, toggle coat. I immediately flashed back to my 26 year old self. That Mia was a lonely, idealistic, daydreaming romantic. She had been single for a couple of years and was ready to embark on the love story of her life. One day, while shopping, she laid eyes upon this perfect gray toggle coat and thought, "Oh my! What an adorable coat! It's the kind of coat that looks mature enough for a late 20-something girl, but had enough cute embellishments to stand out with girlish flare." I imagined wearing the coat while out in the city, and stumbling upon a handsome stranger, who thought she was cute. They would go on romantic winter dates with her wearing that coat. He would kiss her on the nose as the snow gently fell on top of her hood. He would hold her hand as they ran through the streets looking for cover. All this would happen because of this coat.
So I bought it! And you know what? I did meet a boy when I wore that coat. We dated for a few years, but broke up. As I looked at that coat now - wondering if I should throw it away - my heart tugged at me for a moment. Can you really throw away all those memories? You're throwing away that 26 year old girl! My hoarding tendencies came roaring out, and all my justifying thoughts came rushing in: you can still wear this coat! you don't have a gray coat in your repertoire! you need a coat that you don't care about getting dirty! But as my new sensible 34-year-old brain kicked in, I knew it was time to let it go. That coat fulfilled its duty. It was time to donate it to someone else who could use it and find joy in it.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to throw away the dress I wore when Sy proposed to me, or the sweater I wore when he whisked me off to Boston for a birthday surprise. Those clothes have too many special memories in them for me to let go of. But either way, I feel it's important to pay homage to these clothes and memories - whether I cherish them forever or scatter them to the wind.
Monday, February 13, 2017
When it's all said and done
Last night, I was watching the Grammy's, and I was suddenly drawn into one of the performances. I was mesmerized as Alicia Keys and Maren Morris sang "Once," and crooned beautifully sad and wistful lyrics. These are my favorite kind of songs - the kinds that tug at your heart and make you remember and feel all your pain from the past.
But one line stuck out to me - "when it's all said and done, don't forget that you loved me once."
The words "when it's all said and done" kept haunting me. In life, when do we ever really say that phrase? You read that line in books; you hear a narrator telling a story; you hear it hanging off a singer's lips. But do we ever say it ourselves? in real life?
And I realized no. Why don't we? Because it's just far too dramatic. Everything you say after a phrase like "when it's all said and done" feels like a compositional embellishment. But I love it. I love when words and phrases have a heavy impact like a thick winter blanket weighing down on your body. I love how no matter what I write after this phrase, it evokes a deep sense of longing and yearning in your heart. Let's try it out:
When it's all said and done - I still can't forget.
When it's all said and done - you can't change the past.
When it's all said and done - I will be alone.
When it's all said and done - we move on.
I even tried to put silly things after this phrase:
When it's all said and done - the cat will meow.
When it's all said and done - chicken is the best.
When it's all said and done - I will go to bed.
No matter what I write, it may sound less dramatic, but it still has a feeling of finality, concreteness. What a powerful phrase. So while I soaked in the beauty of this song's melody and voice, I also fell deeply into the pillowy depths of its words.
After all - when it's all said and done - the words are all we have left.
But one line stuck out to me - "when it's all said and done, don't forget that you loved me once."
The words "when it's all said and done" kept haunting me. In life, when do we ever really say that phrase? You read that line in books; you hear a narrator telling a story; you hear it hanging off a singer's lips. But do we ever say it ourselves? in real life?
And I realized no. Why don't we? Because it's just far too dramatic. Everything you say after a phrase like "when it's all said and done" feels like a compositional embellishment. But I love it. I love when words and phrases have a heavy impact like a thick winter blanket weighing down on your body. I love how no matter what I write after this phrase, it evokes a deep sense of longing and yearning in your heart. Let's try it out:
When it's all said and done - I still can't forget.
When it's all said and done - you can't change the past.
When it's all said and done - I will be alone.
When it's all said and done - we move on.
I even tried to put silly things after this phrase:
When it's all said and done - the cat will meow.
When it's all said and done - chicken is the best.
When it's all said and done - I will go to bed.
No matter what I write, it may sound less dramatic, but it still has a feeling of finality, concreteness. What a powerful phrase. So while I soaked in the beauty of this song's melody and voice, I also fell deeply into the pillowy depths of its words.
After all - when it's all said and done - the words are all we have left.
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