mia the oxymoron

i was sitting on the train the other day thinking about how people think they know me, but there are some very random quirks about me that are hidden.  i discovered that i have a pretty contradictory side of my life that people don't easily discover about me bc i don't say anything.

so i decided to list out some interesting yet contradictory things about me so that you can know me better.  =)

1.  i like strawberries but i don't like strawberry-flavored foods.  it's very strange, i know.  i love real strawberries.  but anything strawberry-flavored - like ice cream, peppero, milkshakes, candy - i don't like it.  it's too sweet... like sickeningly sweet. 

2.  the same goes for bananas.  i like bananas, but i don't like banana-flavored foods.  i really dislike those korean banana puff chips, banana flavored pudding, banana ice cream, etc.  even magnolia's banana pudding - i only eat the nilla wafers.  =)  (i do make an exception for banana bread, that i like.  i think it's bc it's made with real bananas and not some weird banana flavoring)

3.  i like winter a lot bc i hate sweating and you can't control your body temperature in the summer.  if it's hot, you can't cool yourself down unless you go inside.  but in the winter, even if it's cold out, you can make yourself warm by wearing a thick jacket!  so even though i like the cold bc i hate sweating, i need to be warm when it's cold.  i always turn on my heater, wear lots of layers, and dislike the feeling of being cold.  it's quite strange.

4.  i really don't like watching sports on tv.  i find it to be really boring and kind of pointless to watch a ball move around a lot.  but interestingly, i really enjoy watching sports live.  i love going to sporting events - it's so much more exciting!  i've been to live basketball, baseball, hockey, and tennis games.  i really, really wanna see a football game one day.  but seriously, put the same game on tv, and i will start playing sudoku on my phone.

5.  i love sleep.  i love getting lots of sleep.  but i hate going to sleep.  every night, i battle myself to stay up later and later bc i feel like sleeping is a waste of time when i could be doing something fun.  but then when i'm sleeping, it's so good, and i love it, and i wish i could sleep in more.  i am always tired as a result of this.  haha!

6.  another food one - i like tomato sauce, but i hate tomatoes. 

7.  i am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic.  and i know that everyone strongly believes that i am as well.  but you know, the truth is, i may be a hopeless romantic, but i'm also realistic.  i know that the romantic stuff i see in movies and in books are fake.  i totally, 100% know it.  i know that relationships are hard work and mostly about commitment than love.  but i just like getting swept away in the idea of it when i enter fictional worlds.  i may be a hopeless romantic, but i am super realistic and don't expect this one bit for my real life love story.

8.  i think i'm really perceptive.  i notice lots of details; i can gauge how people are feeling; i can sense when something is off, etc.  but very weirdly, i am also really oblivious and blind to the same things.  it's a very strange thing to be so strongly perceptive and oblivious all at the same time.  i really have no answer for this one.

 9.  i am very good at saving money, but surprisingly, i do not have any kind of budget.  i don't keep records of all my expenses, nor do i watch every penny.  but interestingly, i just have a mental note about these things, and i still save money each month.  how do i do it?  i dunno!  i just do! 

10.  i love the water - oceans, beaches, pools, ponds, waterfalls - you name it.  i love anything that has water in it.  but i also have a huge fear of it bc i can't swim.  my ideal vacation is to do beach-y things, even tho i can't go past the first 3 feet of water.  so shouldn't this make the beach and pool boring for me?  surprisingly no.  i love it, but i'm also deathly scared of it.  haha!

11.  at my core, i really enjoy singing and performing.  why else would i have done 4 years of christian acappella and lead the music ministry at church?  but i also really hate singing in front of people.  i get terribly nervous, and it stops being fun for me.  i'm not sure where my happy place begins and ends bc it's such a fine line.  this is why i never sing for real at karaoke, and this is why i'm so shy during friendly jam sessions.  but put me on a stage with a mic and i just want to shine and be a diva.  it's quite weird to struggle with this!

12.  i really love being emo but i hate being sad.  i love dimming the lights and playing emo music while i cry and think about life.  it feels so cathartic to be in this kind of mood and environment.  and yet, i really hate being sad.  i want nothing more to be happy and joyful and wish there was nothing to be melancholy about!

man, looking over this list, i must sound like a crazy person to you guys.  but this is me.  this is me and my interesting yet contradictory ways.  i'm not sure why i'm like this, but it works for me!

so now you guys know 12 new things about me.  =)  hope you found it strange but delightful.  hehe!

f e a r

FEAR.  just looking at this seemingly innocuous word stirs anxiety and uneasiness in me.  fear is like a cold chill that silently seeps into the secret crevices of your heart, soul, and mind, and fogs your memory of what hope is like... warmth feels like.  it paralyzes you.  don't believe me?  how many times has fear stopped you from taking a risk?  how many times has fear caused you to stay in the same place because of not knowing the unknown? 

lately, a fear has settled in.  i've tried to sweep it out the doorstep of my heart.  i've tried to douse it with laughter.  i've tried to clamp its mouth shut.  but the fear has made itself comfortable, and promises me things like safety and entitlement. 

i am fighting. 

JOY has been standing outside my door asking to come in.   but the guard dog barks viciously when i try to let Her in.