Christmas Wish List!

hey everyone!

so my christmas wish list from last year was a huge success! between christmas and my birthday, i almost got everything on my list! so i've decided to do it again. sure it's a little self-absorbed, but it yields some pretty awesome benefits for me. hahaha! =D

Here's what mia wants for christmas - some are outlandish but hey, a girl can dream, right?

1. marc jacobs small purse


2. Crocs rain boots


3. ESV Study Bible (help me to lead bstudy better!) hehe!



4. a mini guitar for my mia-size fingers


5. wonderstruck (the perfume) - by taylor swift

6. non-cashmere glittens (i keep getting holes in my thumbs bc i use them so much!)

7. winter pajamas! (these are from the gap, btw)


8. ipad! (hey, i can dream...)

9. incredibly loud and extremely close (the book, not the movie)


10. any C.S. Lewis book


Okay... that's it for now. if i think of more, i'll add on. =) happy shopping everyone!

one

a + b = mia

i recently purchased airplane tickets to go on a trip to vancouver and LA, and a funny thing happened.

i was online trying to buy these tickets around 2am on wed night. and after i hit the submit button, my transaction wouldn't go through. the page told me to call the airline. so i called the airline, and they told me to call my credit card company.

and do you know why they sent me on this wild goose chase?

my credit card thought my card had been stolen bc i, little mia, who has owned this credit card since 2005, does not typically buy airplane tickets. i set off all these red flags over at my credit card's headquarters. i imagined an old man sitting at a company, watching me make this transaction on my card, thinking, "surely, mia isn't buying an airplane ticket! she NEVER does that! let alone a ticket to CANADA?!" hahaha. but sure enough, i was. =)

so i had to sit on the phone with the bofa ppl and tell them my entire itinerary of when i was traveling and where i'd be going so that this wouldn't happen again.

after this big hullabaloo was over, i sat on my bed wondering - how did they know?? how does my CC know me so well? how does it know that i never buy plane tickets? i theorized that maybe someone was assigned to me, and has been watching my purchase history for years now so that when my card gets stolen, they'd know. but i checked with a friend, and she said that this is not the case. haha, that there are computer formulas and codes to calculate these things.

it's really crazy to think that a simple algorithm could KNOW a person so well. that it would know my habits, my likes and dislikes, my favorite foods and books, and even the interests of my loved ones based on gifts that i buy for them. it made me realize that what i buy says a lot about who i am.

so i analyzed my credit card statements, and this is who i am:

- i eat a lot of hale& hearty
- i always take out cash on friday evenings
- i eat burgers often (especially 5 guys - at least once a month)
- i buy presents for ppl every month
- i shop a lot at ann taylor loft
- i buy transportation tickets from the MTA and metro-north
- i eat at the mcdonalds near church office fairly often
- and most recently - apparently, i eat in ktown very often
- i buy a new batch of books every 4 months or so
- i buy a lot of cupcakes and cookies from all kinds of bakeries


my spending radius is pretty small. i really don't leave this area much, do i? well... hoho... looks like that's about to change. at least for a week and a half! =)

credit card - you better watch out! mia's going to be doing some unusual things!

a new song in my heart

hey everyone!

i recorded another song! this one was a hard one. by the time i got to the take that's uploaded here, my voice was so tired. dang, she belts a high G. that's insane. i didn't even know that was humanly possible. haha! i'm thoroughly impressed. i could not achieve it, but i did my best.

i hope u guys like it. i really like the message of this song. and the original is also so beautiful. u should all go take a listen. =)


original artist: demi lovato
song: skyscraper




ps. here are the lyrics:

marathons

last night, i watched a movie called "the kids are all right." the movie was meh, but there was one line that stuck out to me.

"marriage is an eff-ing marathon."

the line stuck out to me bc i've recently begun running.

i'm not gonna sugar coat this - running sucks.

- it's painful
- i can't remember what it feels like anymore to not be sore all over my body
- it's time-consuming
- if you give up, you have to start all over again to build your endurance. so really, u can't give up
- you have to eat healthier
- you sweat
- you have to look ugly in front of people - sweaty, grumpy, in pain, panting
- you will most likely incur some kind of injury
- even when you're tired, u still have to keep running

these are all things i hate about running. i would say that it's a miserable experience. but why do i do it?

- bc i promised julia yang that i would be her running buddy
- bc i want to be healthy
- bc i've never run in my entire life, and it'd be nice to finally overcome this

it's been a surprising experience. i've never been able to run EVER in my life. but for the first time, i'm able to run. i'm able to run without stopping. i'm able to actually be PROUD of myself. and bc i've gotten a glimpse of how good it can be, it makes me wonder, should i try to run a marathon?

i think the statement that marriage is a marathon is true. u get a glimpse of how good "running a marathon" could be when you're dating. and finally, u decide that you're going to do it - you're going to commit to train to run a marathon.

but once u start running the marathon, it's hard. it sucks. u will get tired; u will feel pain; u will want to give up; u will want to take a break. but u can't. bc if u do, u will lose. the same goes for marriage. it is hard, there will be pain, u will want to give up, but u can't.

i'm finding that running is creating a new character in me. it's teaching me to push through the pain, and keep my eyes on the finishline. it's teaching me stay committed bc if i give up, julia will probably give up too. and i want to see her grow, not fail bc of my own flaws. it's teaching me that even though it sucks now, i'm gonna be so proud later.

and i hope that these learnings will equip me for the marathon of marriage.

but more importantly, i hope that they will equip me for the marathon of this spiritual race we're all running to win.

at the end of every marathon, there is always a crowd of loved ones jumping and screaming with signs and ready-hugs. i imagine that when i'm done with my life, God is going to be there at the finishline with a big sign, jumping up and down, rooting me on, ready with delicious snacks, arms open wide, waiting for me to jump right in. =)

PTL!

i just got off the phone with my mom, and she told me about how she and some of her church members went to serve at a homeless shelter in paterson, nj.

now, if you don't know, paterson, nj is pretty ghetto. and when she told me she went to paterson, my mouth dropped bc my mom is not the kind of person to go anywhere that is unsafe.

so i asked her all about it bc i was really surprised that she did this. and she told me that she cooked food and served it to the people who came to the shelter. i asked her, "umma, how did you like it?" and she said that it was a little scary but overall, she said she felt really good inside.

she said that people kept saying, "thank you mami!" and she said that she felt so appreciated by their words. and of course, my mom being my mom, touted her own horn, and said how people raved about the awesome salad she made, and the perfectly cooked rice. hahaha. oh my mom. =)

but at the end of the conversation, i said, "umma, i'm really proud of you for doing this." and she said this to me:

"yeah, i felt so good inside to help these people, and the people were so happy, and thank God."

i felt really warm inside to watch my mom grow a little more in her walk of faith, and to see that God is moving in her life.

PTL indeed. amen! =D

regret

about 2 months ago, i noticed that there was a young-ish homeless girl who sat on the sidewalk near my office. the first time i passed her by, my heart broke for her. i couldn't help but think about how young she was, and how when i was her age, i was in such a different place than she was. i wanted to talk to her, see if i could help her, but i got scared. a million thoughts ran through my head - what do i say? do i ask for her name? do i tell her mine? do i tell her about Jesus right now? what if she asks me why this happened to her? what do i tell her?

so, i kept walking.

2 days later, she was back again. my heart broke again, and i thought for sure, i should talk to her. but again, the doubting questions attacked, and i walked passed her again. but i promised myself that the next time, i would definitely talk to her - no matter what.

and then i didn't see her again for nearly a month. =(

and then, 2 weeks ago, she was back. and my heart leaped! my chance was back, and God had opened this door again. but silly me, i walked passed her again. thankfully, God tugged on my heart, and turned me around. so i knelt beside her and began to talk to her.

i asked her how she was doing, where she was staying, gave her some money, and asked her if she needed help finding a place to sleep. i told her that i knew of a place called covenant house, and that maybe she could go there. but neither of us knew where it was. so i promised her that tomorrow, i'd bring her all the information, just make sure to come back around 6pm, and i'll be here. so she promised she'd be back to talk to me tomorrow. and i walked away.

i was kicking myself the whole commute home. why did i not pray for her? why did i not ask her her name? why did i not tell her that Jesus loved her? what was i so darn afraid of??? sigh.

the next day, i left my office at 6pm, armed with all the info for CH and some healthy snacks for her to eat. but she wasn't there.

i've been carrying this stuff in my purse now for 2 weeks, hoping she'll come back again.

i feel so much regret for not being more bold, for not having the courage to pray for her, for not showing her more love when i had the chance. i'm so disappointed in myself. =(

i really pray that God will open this door one more time. i promise, i will do it right next time.

movie time at cineplex mia

i've recently been on a movie kick, and i've been watching tons of movies. okay, i exaggerate - i've only seen 3. haha! but it feels like a lot bc they were all watched on a week night. =)

anyhoo, here are some of my favorite bits:

loved this scene from Tangled- so beautiful AND romantic!



i also recently watched The Social Network. i totally fell in love with eduardo saverin/andrew garfield. i die with love for him. swoooooooooon! =D <3



most mussheesuh scene of the movie - i was on the floor at this point.... drool...


and i also watched the time traveler's wife.


the book was WAY better than the movie. and i cried a whole lot more in the book than i did for the movie. but overall, it was nice to watch since rachel mcadams is one of my fave actresses.

i realized that it's been a while since i've watched a movie by myself. for some reason, when you're dating, you seem to always watch movies with your significant other. but once you're single, all of a sudden, watching movies alone seems weird and illogical. of course, there are benefits, such as being able to watch all the cheesy/terrible chick flicks i want without feeling guilty for forcing my bf to watch this drivel. but on the other hand, it feels a little strange to laugh out loud by myself with no one to glance over and laugh together with.

there's also no one around to immediately debrief about the movie with. i find myself rushing to my computer to find someone online who i can chat with to say, "omg - eduardo saverin is so hot," or, "wow, i felt so sorry for mark zuckerberg," or, "why does mandy moore sing in every movie she stars in? does she not have the ability to separate her singing and acting career? sheesh!" movie watching has a different feel to it when you watch them by yourself.

i think, overall, i am finding myself re-learning how to do normal things. i was used to having someone around for so long.

my atrophied "muscles" are working out. that is a good thing. =)

next on my movie queue: beastly. hahaha, it's gonna be so bad, but so good. =D

EDIT - eugh, sorry the pics got cut off! darn layout of the blog!! =(

=) =D ;D =P

i've recently realized that the people i am closest to have something in common:

they all use emoticons and exclamation points! =)

i know that this may seem like a silly commonality, but i'm realizing more and more that this is really important to me. my receiving love language is verbal affirmation; so it only makes sense that smiley faces and exclamation points are the main components of my language.

there's something about a smiley face at the end of a sentence that is so reassuring that there is a friendly person at the other end of this internet connection. and there's nothing more satisfying than to see the excited exclamation point of a friend's conversation.

i feel like these 2 things are very clear ways for anyone to know how exactly you feel. in the world of emails, gchats, tweets, and blogs, we're so hidden behind the screens of our computers. there's no way to know the inflection of your voice if you're being sarcastic or true to your word unless i see some kind of smiley face. and when i talk to people who don't use emoticons or exclamation points, i find myself constantly trying to assess and gauge how they're REALLY feeling. and it gets tiring! but when someone puts a cute little smiley face after a sentence, i know that we're having a fun, good time. and i know that u are smiling back at me. and that makes me happy. and when u use an exclamation point, it helps me to know that u are excited to be talking to me. and all this affirms to me that we are close friends.

i think this is why i'm closest to ppl who also use emoticons and exclamation points. a) it makes me feel loved. and b) it makes the relationship so much easier to grow.

hahaha, what a silly revelation. =D


ps. on a side note, i particularly love when people use this smiley face: -___-

but i never use it bc it's way too much work. hahaha! but everytime i see one of those, i smile a little bigger than usual. =D

EDIT: omgosh, i just found out that the -__- is NOT a happy face, but is actually like a deadpan face. this is not cool in my book!!! i was totally wrong all these years!! it is no longer a particular fave now! hmmph!!

storytime!

i stole this story from cadengo's blog bc i liked it. hope u like it too! =)

There were three men.

Each had a prized possession, something that he treasured.

The first man was a simple man. He hid his treasure behind his clothes in the closet where no one could conceivably get to them. But one day, armed thugs broke into his house, turned the place upside down, and found his treasure. They knew it was a treasure because he so safely secured it. And they took his treasure and sold it on the streets for the price of two pigeons. The simple man was sad to discover his treasure wasn't worth nearly as much as he had hoped, and worse, that he could not even afford to buy his own treasure back because he had sold all he had to get it.

The second man was more clever than the first. He knew not to make a big fuss about his treasure, for surely that would rouse the suspicion of eager thieves. So he took his treasure and left it on the curb in front of his house. He left his treasure among the trash, for he thought, surely, no competent thief would go looking there. Till one day a trash man mistook his treasure for garbage, and threw it in with the rest at the dump. The clever man was upset that someone had treated his treasure with such disregard, and distraught that his treasure tainted was now lost forever.

The last man was neither simple, nor clever, but wise. He had seen enough treasure go to waste--stolen, pillaged, rotted away--to know that none of it would last. No treasure on earth was essential. He had possessions, but he knew that they were gifts, and that he was merely the steward. His real treasure was stored somewhere safe, where no thief could get to it, no thug could tamper with it, and no simple-minded fool would mistake it for anything else but what it was. The wise man kept his treasure in Heaven.

Quote

"No measure of time with you will be long enough, but we'll start with forever."

- Edward from Twilight.

swooooooooooooooooooooooooon!

faint!

loveeeeeee <3

pregnant mia?

a conversation between me and my pregnant co-worker...

mia: aww, are you experiencing any morning sickness?

co-worker: actually no! i've been so lucky!

mia: wow, that's awesome. so are u experiencing anything?

co-worker: well... the only thing i feel is that i'm tired a lot, and i'm hungry all the time.

mia: hmm... u know... that just sounds like me... every day.


hahaha! =D

emo

hey everyone,

i finally made some time to do a new recording. i tried my best to sing as emo as i could, but it's tough... my voice is too pop-y. hope u guys like! =)

artist: a fine frenzy
song: almost lover

this is probably something i would do...

i watched (500) days of summer last night. this part made me laugh so hard. =D




i love awkward/funny guys. <3

center of attention

today was another great day! (what a great weekend it has been!)

it was a day of worship, beautiful weather, celebrations of my mom and my sister, korean bbq, coldstone cakes, and funny conversations.

*ps guys - if u've never had a coldstone cake, go and get one now! u won't regret it!! i promise!

anyhoo, i had some trouble picking the highlight of today. there were a lot of golden moments that brought a smile to my face.

i think if i really had to pick one, i'm gonna pick a selfish one. there was a moment in our car ride home from the restaurant where i was telling my family a funny story from the wedding on friday. for a good 5 minutes, i had everyone in the car captivated by my story. they were literally hanging on my every word. and when i got to the dramatic climax of my story, they roared with laughter as i nailed the ending. hahaha. i like this moment bc it reminded me that inherently, i am a storyteller. i love to tell a good story. and i love to tell it with dramatic pauses and effects for maximum audience delight. i think this is why i love to read and write. i love to read good stories, and i like to write great ones myself.

sure, it was only 5 minutes. but for this introvert, it was just enough attention to make me feel special. =) *blush

from rock hard to pillow soft

today, i got a massage. normally, i LOVE massages, but today's was rough. REALLY rough. =(

my masseuse, keiko, gave me the most painful massage i've ever had in my entire life. i was clenching with pain the entire hour, and i made tons of painful sounds to let her know i was dying. i even told her numerous times that it hurt and asked if she could be softer, but she would not listen. she kept saying that this was good for me; that she was getting out all the knots; that i was becoming softer; and that my back was looking better.

i was getting really frustrated bc i really just wanted a nice, relaxing massage. i didn't want to be in all this pain. i didn't care if all my knots were gone or not. i just wanted to feel good. but u know, i could tell that keiko actually really liked me and cared a lot about me. everytime she found a knot, she was so excited, and immediately went to work on it. and when she got knots out, she would tell me how good it was, and she would be really proud. so i knew she had my best interests in mind, but i was in so much pain!! literally, the massage was done 90% with her elbows!! =((((

as i was lying there on the bed, trying to breathe through the pain, i kept wondering if i should tell her to stop. it was just too much. and even though i knew that it would be good for me to get the knots out, i was like, no, this is way too painful. i can live with the knots.

and it was at this moment that i started to think about sin and friendship. we all sin. and our friends pretty much know about our sins. but there are some friends who want to see the best version of you and try to push and encourage you to move past your sin and to become the best you possible. and then there are other friends who are more surface level, and they don't ever address anything serious with you.

i felt like keiko was one of those pushing/encouraging friends. she genuinely wanted me to be a knot-free person, with good, healthy muscles, and not be riddled with pain and tension. and initially, i thought i could take the pain, but after a while, i really just wanted her to leave me alone. i didn't want to deal with this pain. i didn't want to endure the pain to get to the good side - to have the best mia possible. but she would not have it. at one point, i even told her to give up bc it was too painful. and she reluctantly said okay, but snuck back there a few minutes later.

i know i tend to be a baby sometimes, especially when it comes to doing something that hurts. i will whine, cry, and stamp my foot. but my true friends will keep on pushing me to get through it bc they know how good it'll be once i overcome it. but with friends who are not as close, they'll just be like oh, sorry to hear about that... and not really be there to run beside you.

as much as i was dying in pain, i appreciated keiko and all of her efforts to help me. and honestly - i'm thankful for all the people in my life who run with me, and keep pushing me even when i cry out in pain and beg for mercy. u guys just want to see the best mia.

oyyy! what a revelation to have on a massage table!! =)

and to end the night - the highlight of my day was eating a choco taco while walking in the city with one of my closest friends. good ice cream in my belly, and good conversations to last a lifetime. =D PTL!

now you may kiss the bride!

Sorry guys!! i totally forgot to do this last night and i just went to bed!! =((

yesterday was such a great day! weather was amazing, took a half day at work, got to get dressed up for a wedding, and God answered my family's prayers!

i would love to say that all of these things were my highlights, but i guess i'll just pick one.

i know you're all expecting this, but my highlight was peter and marta's wedding. of course, i love weddings. everything about them is beautiful. my heart was nothing but happy all night long watching the happy couple smile so wide and without stopping. plus, i got to gorge on the delicious cocktail hour food. haha.

but seriously, weddings are just reminders to me that love DOES exist. and that God IS faithful to our prayers and dreams. and that He makes the perfect mate for all of us, and it's just a matter of time when you find them and start your own beautiful love story.

i can't wait for my own wedding. i don't know when it'll happen, or maybe if it'll ever happen, but i know that God IS faithful, and i trust in that. =)

ps. related highlight - 180 table!! haha, i missed our loud, obnoxious, but happy-to-see-each-other ways. =D

sunshiny

i walked a LOT today. and honestly, i really shouldn't have walked this much today - considering i am still healing from this sprain, and also bc i need to wear heels tomorrow for a wedding.

but, u know, the highlight of today was when i took a long walk during my lunch. it was such a beautiful day. warm, cozy sunshine, blue skies to delight my eyes, and beautiful flowers everywhere.

sunshine makes me happy - like really happy. =D

and even though i had a lot on my mind, stuff that potentially brings me down, for those 40 minutes, i was oblivious. i just walked as slowly as i could, did not care that i was annoying all the speed-walking new yorkers around me, and just savored the beauty.

i really hate the cliche - "stop and smell the roses." but u know, i do something sort of like that. whenever i can, i stop and touch a flower. i touch it the way i would lovingly cup my husband's face, and smile at its beauty and grace. and i always say a little prayer of thanks to God for making something so small yet so beautiful. it takes my breath away.

we're like... the same person! (hehe)

today was a busy day. my eyes are barely open with sleepiness, and my ankle is happily resting from a day's worth of walking around. i am at peace!

this may sound silly, but the highlight of my night was spending quality time with my roommate for the last hours of my night. we watched glee clips, laughed at engagement rings, played with talking tom, reminisced about childhood korean meats we love to eat, and giggled about all the silly drama in our lives.

this might not sound like much of a highlight to u guys, but for me - this is what i treasure. i love these moments of intimate friendship that only happens when 2 girls live together. even though i'm so far from getting married, i know that one day - this will all end. and i won't get to have these spontaneous moments of fun bc i'll have a hubby roommate for life. boo. (jk future hubby!)

i'm so thankful for these times!! (plus, it's a rarity that we're all ever home at the same time, or awake at the same time. haha!) =D

love u dkolee! =D

santa mia's coming to town... (sing along!)

do you guys know what your love language is? everyone has a giving love language and a receiving love language.

my giving love language is gift-giving. i show love to people by giving gifts. it's important to me to think carefully about what someone would want, what would be useful or meaningful to them, or what they would appreciate.

for me - seeing someone's eyes and face light up when they unwrap a gift is the best part of gift giving. yes, i like to hear the praise of knowing i picked a good gift, but ultimately, my greatest joy comes from knowing that they are so happy with their gifts.

so, today's highlight of the day is when my mom called to tell me that the birthday gift that i got for my uncle, he loved it! she said both he and my aunt took turns telling her what a great gift it was! =DDD

i feel very blessed that although i don't make a lot of money to buy big, extravagant gifts, God gives me enough money to still bless the people i love as best as i can.

yay for another successful gift!! =D

so readers - what's YOUR love language? =)

potholes and hole fillers

today, i walked into a pot hole and sprained my ankle. it was pretty embarrassing - falling in a hole, landing flat onto the street, everyone watching me as i tried to wipe off the street from my pants, and hearing the gasps of concerns as i tumbled over when i tried to stand up straight.

darn pot holes... =(

i wanted to go to bed and just call it a day, but my project loomed over me. it would be easy for me to say, "this day sucks. i sprained my ankle. there is no highlight of the day."

but there is always a highlight. i believe there is always a highlight. <3

today's highlight was when i im-ed a friend to ask about what to do about my sprained ankle, and instead of just gchatting me directions, this friend chose to pick up the phone, call me, and make sure that i got all the necessary attention i needed.

i felt like it was a bit much - that my sprain wasn't so severe to warrant such attention - but u know what? i needed it. i needed to feel cared for and that someone DOES worry about me even when i often feel like i'm on this ride alone.

thanks friend! =D

let's hope i heal up quickly!

funny phone calls

i just got off the phone with my mom, and we had a funny conversation. here's how it went:

mom: sooo... did you watch the royal wedding this week? (i put the ... bc she was sounding quite mischevious)

mia: yeah...

mom: what'd you think of kate middleton?

mia: she looked beautiful.

mom: (long pause) I LOVE HER!!!

oh my mom!! she's so funny! she then raved for a good 5 min on how she loved kate's dress, and how it's gorgeous in all seasons, and how william looks so kind-hearted, etc. etc. it was so funny to listen to her ramble on and on like kate was her bff. my mom ... i laugh bc she reminds me a lot of myself. =D

so... i immediately felt the need to blog about this bc i wanted to remember this snapshot of this funny conversation. i think this phone call was the highlight of my day. and so it occurred to me that i want to do a quick project of the week.

the "highlight of the day" blog project. for an entire week, i'd like to post the highlight of my day... even if it doesn't mean much to you people, i'm still gonna do it. haha. =)

so... even though today was a great day of worship, sunshine, seeing cute babies, and fun conversations with friends, i pick this moment as my highlight bc my mom is just too cute sometimes. =D

mia mars? bruno joo?

so i was thinking about bruno mars yesterday, and i realized that he's the boy version of me. i think we're like the same person. why do all his songs resonate so much with me? i think bc we're the same person!!

i really think bruno mars is an INFJ like me. let me show you some examples:

1. INFJs are fiercely loyal. we will do anything for the people we love - even die for them. it's no problem!

evidence: grenade -

i'd catch a grenade for ya
throw my hand on a blade for ya
i'd jump in front of a train for ya
you know i'd do anything for ya
i would go through all this pain, take a bullet straight through my brain,
yes, i would die for you baby, but you won't do the same.

2. INFJs are hopeless romantics. we love love. <3

evidence - just the way you are

when i see your face, there's not a thing that i would change
cuz you're amazing, just the way you are
and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
cuz girl you're amazing, just the way you are.

3. INFJs are called the protectors. we are really devoted, part of the fiercely loyal quality.

evidence - Count on me

if you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,
i'll sail the world to find you.
if you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,
i'll be the light to guide you

4. i think bruno is introverted. just like me! we need to have some alone time to recharge.

evidence - The Lazy Song

today I don't feel like doing anything
i just wanna lay in my bed
don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
cuz today i swear i'm not doing anything.

hahaha. me and bruno - we're kindred spirits. i think we'd be best friends. =)

Quote

"[Forgiveness] is to deal with our emotions…by denying ourselves the dark pleasures of venting them or fondling them in our minds…Once upon a time, I was engaged to a young woman who changed her mind. I forgave her…but in small sums over a year…done when I spoke to her and refrained from rehashing the past, done whenever I renounced jealousy and self-pity when seeing her with another man, done when I praised her to others when I wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments—but she never saw them. And her own payments were unseen by me…but I do know that she forgave me…(Forgiveness) is more than a matter of refusing to hate someone. It is also a matter of choosing to demonstrate love and acceptance to the offender…Pain is the consequence of sin; there is no easy way to deal with it. Wood, nails and pain are the currency of forgiveness, the love that heals."

Dan Hamilton, Forgiveness

There is still hope.

feeling a little silly ;)

hey everyone!

i found some time to record another song! i decided to go the not-so-holy route and did a fun, silly song. haha. i think many of you are going to cringe. =) but whatevs... this is my blog! i'll do what i want!

i also found a better place to record. it turns out my stairwell in my apt building has a great echo effect, so i think you'll have an easier time hearing me this time. yay!

ps. sorry for the mess-up in verse 2. *blush* =)

pps. the flowers in the video are the cherry blossoms that bloom every spring on the BC campus. sighh... i miss those beautiful trees!

enjoy! (again, it's not the best that i can do, but it was fun!)

stepping out from behind the curtain

during my staycation, i promised myself that i would work on some secret projects. one of the secret projects included trying to work on my singing again.

sadly, my voice has atrophied a LOT from lack of use, so i decided that i needed to start working it out again. and the only way i can do this is to be more public with my singing. so i recorded. dun dun dun!! can u believe it?? =O

it's not my best stuff. i'm quite, quite rusty. but it's a start. please don't be too harsh on me!! sorry this is such a poor production. i don't have a mac, so this is the best way i can record, and i have no mic either. so the volume is soft bc i just had to sing AT my laptop. hahaha. plus, i can't delete parts, so the cough in the beginning, well, you're just gonna have to listen to that too. haha!

enjoy! i promise to do more. =) (unless you guys are like, oh gosh please no.)




ps. song is "lead me to the cross" the brooke fraser version. =)

from the inside out

last saturday, julia and i went to get a massage from a deal we got from lifebooker. as we approached the building, we both were happily surprised by what we saw. in front of us was a pretty majestic looking building. as we walked through the heavy glass doors, we were surrounded by white marble, and everything just looked super fancy. we even had to go through some pretty high-security measures just to get to the elevator. i found myself thinking, man, there must be some pretty important ppl here bc it's so fancy here, and not just any schlub off the street can get through.

however, when we got to the floor of the doctor's office, we quickly discovered that it was actually not nearly as nice up here as it was down on the lobby floor. as i stared at the wall during my massage, all i could see were old doorknobs, old moldings, thick varnished paint, and faint patches of wood. it was weird to think that they would spend so much money making their lobby so beautiful, and not even do half as good of a job on the rooms themselves.

it made me wonder - do we do this with ourselves? do we go above and beyond to make our outside appearances amazingly beautiful in order to deceive the watching world that we are as put together and gleaming as we seem? are most of us also shells of a person, who in actuality is just a barely renovated, shabby room? once we see the inside, do we want a refund?

it was a terrible thought to think, but sadly, quite possibly true for so many of us.

as part of our lifebooker deal, we also received a chiropractic evaluation. my doctor told me that the cause of all the pains, aches, and allergies of my life were due to my spine not being straight - that some of my spine had become unaligned. once everything was adjusted and re-aligned, all the aches that i felt would disappear, and i'd live a healthy, happy life.

as i sat there and listened to him tell me the importance of re-aligning my spine, it made me wonder - what else in my life has strayed away from my "straight spine"? at the retreat, pastor carl talked about how God's song is beautiful, but when we notice that our songs are off-key, or off-rhythm, it means that we're not in sync with God's song, so we have to get back in. i feel like, the chiropractic theory is very similar to our spiritual walks. if we're not aligned with God's will for our lives, then we will certainly experience aches, troubles, and pain in our lives. but when we're aligned with God, we will stay straight on the right path. i thought about all the times that i tried to do things MY way bc of MY desires and MY wishes. that always got me into trouble. it was only when i readjusted myself to remember that this life is not my own, and turned back to the path i had left, that's when things would feel less strenuous, less painful.

but you know, through both moments of revelation, i saw that outside appearances are so deceiving. on the outside, we look like healthy people. but did you guys know that sometimes i have trouble sleeping at night bc my back hurts? or did you guys know that i am so allergic to insect bites that my entire limb will swell up and i need to ice-pack myself all night? no one knows this bc it's all on the inside. just like the building's exterior and lobby, everything looked beautiful and i had high expectations. i would never have guessed that it would be so dilapidated inside. what's the point of having such an awesome outside when you only look at it for a couple of seconds? it's what's on the inside that you have to live with for a lifetime.

i don't want to be a disappointment to whoever looks at my inside. i want to be as shiny and new and beautiful inside and out to all who see me. no shell - just . . . me.

confusion with being politically correct

so... a weird revelation happened to me last week.

i was eating dinner with julia yang, chris, and julia lee. chris shared how he realized that bc julia is canadian, she is technically a korean-canadian, while the rest of us are korean-americans.

initially, we were all like, "uhh... duh... chris." but u know, the more i thought about it, the more i realized that it felt strange to say that. KOREAN-CANADIAN. aren't we all sooooo used to hearing the words ___-american? asian-american. chinese-american. etc, etc. it was strange!

BC had a korean student association called ksa. but, my sister's college had one called korean-american student association - kasa. how strange i would have found it if it were called kcsa! it just doesn't roll off the tongue quite as easily!

here's the mind-blowing clincher. we started putting all kinds of nationalities with -canadian. and then all of a sudden - i realized - what do canadian ppl call black ppl? here in america - it's kind of not PC to call someone black, so you call them african-american. but what about in canada?! do we call them african-canadians? for some reason - that made no sense to me. i feel like african-american is a word we made up to stop using the word black didn't we??

and when u think about it internationally - what do you call them in other countries?? african-irish? african-australian? the possibilities are endless!

the whole conversation made me realize how americanized i am. i forget that other countries don't revolve around the US. but seriously - what do you call african americans in other countries???

what a crazy conversation!! chris kept saying how much he loves the US. haha. but u know, i think canada is starting to grow on me. hahaha! and i actually like their national anthem. it's rather cute. =)

the breakup

it has been a little over a month since we broke up.

"how are you doing?"
"are you okay?"
"oh my gosh, i didn't know. i'm so sorry."
*sympathetic look*

these are things i've heard and seen for a little over a month now.

the answer to all of these questions and looks - i'm doing better.

to be honest, it was pretty terrible at first. i was a wreck. i couldn't be alone. thank goodness for the busy-ness that is new york. distraction is the antidote to sadness.

in the beginning, i kept finding myself reading the blog of a woman who was grieving the sudden death of her husband. you might think to yourself, "how dare mia compare her grief to that a widow?" but you know, we're more similar than you think. this woman, julia, lost her husband. and i lost him - the one who i thought was going to be my husband. i lost the man who i had been building a life with for nearly 3 years. he and i felt every bit like a married couple - at least to me. and i lost him. julia felt the heaviness of her husband's absence. and i felt his absence everywhere in my life. she and i both lost our dreams. with our break up, i lost all the things that i had been dreaming of - the beautiful wedding, the happily ever after marriage, the cute children we could've had, the lifetime of memories and laughter. but most of all - i lost my best friend, someone i loved with all of my heart. i lost all of that. for a little while, i felt like this julia woman was one of the few people who really knew how i felt. and so i kept reading her blog, even though every entry tugged at my heart's most vulnerable places and left me sitting in front of my screen weeping silently for her and for myself. we're more similar than you think.

i can't believe that already 5 weeks have gone by. an entire month. i find it so strange that life keeps on moving - that when you've fallen over, life doesn't pause to wait until you've gotten back up and have caught your breath. but it keeps going, keeps passing by and says, "you better hurry up bc you're losing precious seconds, minutes, hours, days." and yet, 5 weeks and 2 days have gone. 5 weeks and 2 days of a life without him in comparison to 2 years, 8 months and 3 days of a life with him. it's such a sudden change. too sudden if you ask me.

do you ever wonder why it's called a breakup? sure, it's bc what was once one is now broken into two again. but why not call it a breakdown? praise team "breaks down" the equipment. but why do couples "break up"? my theory is that if you call it a "breakdown," it's too depressing. when you break something down, you are tearing it apart until it is no longer functional. so if a couple is no longer together, and both people are so broken that they're no longer functional - then that is a terrible thing to anticipate. maybe we call it a breakUP so that when a couple is no longer together, both people can somehow rise UP and become whole again. there's hope when you look up. but there's nothing but despair when you look down.

i've had a lot of time to think about all that has happened. no matter how mutual a breakup is, it's still one of the saddest and hardest things to do in life. it is the end of something significant. and for me - one who doesn't like change - the one who loves love - well... it's just so sad. there's no other word for it... sad.

i believe that God has a good and perfect plan. and i believe that there is always hope. God has been taking me on a crazy journey - just the 2 of us. sometimes i'm super excited bc i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be good, bc He loves me so much. sometimes i'm so reluctant to follow bc the path just looks too bleak. for a little while, i was too weak from sadness to move and God had to carry me for me. but either way - we're on this journey - and i can't wait to see where He takes me.

i'm beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
thank God.
hope is slowly seeping back into my heart.
praise the Lord.

some of you might be wondering why i even wrote this entry. why be so public with such a personal and intimate event? i've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. these are things that i've wanted to say, but i felt like i couldn't. i didn't want to bum people out, or i wanted to put up a brave front. but truly - this is who i am, this is who i've been, and this is me fumbling to climb out of this mess. but more than that - i'm hoping that months down the line, i will be able to re-read this entry and be able to see how much i've grown - how much God has led me through it. and that i will never forget how this event has shaped who i am - that it will give me hope to keep moving on. julia (the dear audrey blog woman) wrote an entry once about why she writes her blog as well. and the idea word-keeping, as she describes - resonates a lot with me too. read it. and maybe you'll get how i feel too.

i wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been helping me through this. thank you for your comfort. thank you for your prayers. thank you for encouragement and love. thank you for believing in me, even when i refuted you every inch of the way.

"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

i'm going to be okay. i'm going to be more than okay.