the breakup

it has been a little over a month since we broke up.

"how are you doing?"
"are you okay?"
"oh my gosh, i didn't know. i'm so sorry."
*sympathetic look*

these are things i've heard and seen for a little over a month now.

the answer to all of these questions and looks - i'm doing better.

to be honest, it was pretty terrible at first. i was a wreck. i couldn't be alone. thank goodness for the busy-ness that is new york. distraction is the antidote to sadness.

in the beginning, i kept finding myself reading the blog of a woman who was grieving the sudden death of her husband. you might think to yourself, "how dare mia compare her grief to that a widow?" but you know, we're more similar than you think. this woman, julia, lost her husband. and i lost him - the one who i thought was going to be my husband. i lost the man who i had been building a life with for nearly 3 years. he and i felt every bit like a married couple - at least to me. and i lost him. julia felt the heaviness of her husband's absence. and i felt his absence everywhere in my life. she and i both lost our dreams. with our break up, i lost all the things that i had been dreaming of - the beautiful wedding, the happily ever after marriage, the cute children we could've had, the lifetime of memories and laughter. but most of all - i lost my best friend, someone i loved with all of my heart. i lost all of that. for a little while, i felt like this julia woman was one of the few people who really knew how i felt. and so i kept reading her blog, even though every entry tugged at my heart's most vulnerable places and left me sitting in front of my screen weeping silently for her and for myself. we're more similar than you think.

i can't believe that already 5 weeks have gone by. an entire month. i find it so strange that life keeps on moving - that when you've fallen over, life doesn't pause to wait until you've gotten back up and have caught your breath. but it keeps going, keeps passing by and says, "you better hurry up bc you're losing precious seconds, minutes, hours, days." and yet, 5 weeks and 2 days have gone. 5 weeks and 2 days of a life without him in comparison to 2 years, 8 months and 3 days of a life with him. it's such a sudden change. too sudden if you ask me.

do you ever wonder why it's called a breakup? sure, it's bc what was once one is now broken into two again. but why not call it a breakdown? praise team "breaks down" the equipment. but why do couples "break up"? my theory is that if you call it a "breakdown," it's too depressing. when you break something down, you are tearing it apart until it is no longer functional. so if a couple is no longer together, and both people are so broken that they're no longer functional - then that is a terrible thing to anticipate. maybe we call it a breakUP so that when a couple is no longer together, both people can somehow rise UP and become whole again. there's hope when you look up. but there's nothing but despair when you look down.

i've had a lot of time to think about all that has happened. no matter how mutual a breakup is, it's still one of the saddest and hardest things to do in life. it is the end of something significant. and for me - one who doesn't like change - the one who loves love - well... it's just so sad. there's no other word for it... sad.

i believe that God has a good and perfect plan. and i believe that there is always hope. God has been taking me on a crazy journey - just the 2 of us. sometimes i'm super excited bc i know that wherever God takes me, it's going to be good, bc He loves me so much. sometimes i'm so reluctant to follow bc the path just looks too bleak. for a little while, i was too weak from sadness to move and God had to carry me for me. but either way - we're on this journey - and i can't wait to see where He takes me.

i'm beginning to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
thank God.
hope is slowly seeping back into my heart.
praise the Lord.

some of you might be wondering why i even wrote this entry. why be so public with such a personal and intimate event? i've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. these are things that i've wanted to say, but i felt like i couldn't. i didn't want to bum people out, or i wanted to put up a brave front. but truly - this is who i am, this is who i've been, and this is me fumbling to climb out of this mess. but more than that - i'm hoping that months down the line, i will be able to re-read this entry and be able to see how much i've grown - how much God has led me through it. and that i will never forget how this event has shaped who i am - that it will give me hope to keep moving on. julia (the dear audrey blog woman) wrote an entry once about why she writes her blog as well. and the idea word-keeping, as she describes - resonates a lot with me too. read it. and maybe you'll get how i feel too.

i wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been helping me through this. thank you for your comfort. thank you for your prayers. thank you for encouragement and love. thank you for believing in me, even when i refuted you every inch of the way.

"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

i'm going to be okay. i'm going to be more than okay.