Christmas Wish List 2013!!

it's that time again!  christmas is just around the corner and i get to daydream about all the things i wish for!

1.  People Magazine Subscription (my last subscription ended... i miss it so much!)

GOT IT!  =)











2.  tickets to broadway shows

3.  tickets to the ballet

4.  tickets to the opera

5.  BB Cream (i dunno why, but i can never justify buying this for myself.  hahaha!)  which brand is the best one to get??

GOT IT!  =)







6. Gym Clothes - for some reason, if i have a cute workout outfit, it motivates me more to go work out.  hahaha.  i am ridiculous...

7.  Hale & Hearty Gift Card - i LOVE this place.  i eat here almost everyday.

8.  black frame glasses - (there's a girl at my office who wears different glasses like different outfits.  for some reason, i now want to do this too.  hahaha!)

9.  a tropical vacation!  (i've never been anywhere tropical - except florida, but i don't think that counts)

10.  the Classics (can't go wrong with these!)
- Crime & Punishment GOT IT!  =)
- Silas Marner
- The Picture of Dorian Gray
- 1984
- A Tale of Two Cities
- Gulliver's Travels
- A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

11.  a really girly tulle skirt (the one pictured here is from Loft)  they're just so pretty!!!

GOT IT!  =)












 12.  a cute laptop case (i've been using a towel. hahaha!  how pathetic am i??)

GOT IT!  =)








i think that's all i can think of for now.  it's interesting to see how this year, i don't really want material things, but i want to experience more of the world and of life!  i think i finally feel like i have enough "stuff" but i still feel so naive to the world and what's out there.  well, i hope everyone is preparing to have a wonderful christmas season!  make it a good one!  =D

Begin Again

there are a lot of songs that i think about doing covers for.  sometimes, i want to flex my vocal abilities.  other times, i want to try a different sound.  but there are a few songs that i want to sing simply because the words mean so much to me.  and this song has been one that i have been waiting to sing for a long time.  i hope you enjoy!  =)

Taylor Swift - Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again
You said you never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I want to talk about that
And for the first time what's past is past

under my umbrella

last friday, angie prayed over me and saw a vision.  in her vision, she saw me and jesus happily playing on a playground.  in my own head, i saw more details about her vision.  we were frolicking in the grass; we were having a joyful and free-spirited time.  the sun shined down us and everything was wonderful and perfect.  but then the Enemy became jealous and wanted to ruin our fun time.  so he sent dark, ominous clouds our way.  and soon enough, thunder and lightning and rain poured down.  i ran into a shelter, and gloomily watched out the window.  i watched the ground become muddy where it had once been green and lush.  i watched the playground become drenched and no longer playable.  the blue sky was blocked and the cold rain had replaced all the warmth of the sun.  i watched the rain drops blur my view of what had been an idyllic scene. 

angie's vision ended there - and she said to me, "mia - jesus wants you to come out under an umbrella and not let a little rain get in the way."  but i saw more.  i took angie's words to heart - and in my continuation of her vision, i saw myself stepping out reluctantly into the storm with my umbrella.  jesus was already standing out there under His own umbrella, and He beckoned me to come closer to Him with an outstretched hand.

when i stood beside Him, i put my hand in His, and He looked down and smiled at me.  and at the same time, we let go of our umbrellas and let the rain pour down upon us.  we stood there - hand in hand, with our other arms outstretched, completely getting soaked.  and i enjoyed it.  why?  because i knew that jesus was inviting me to embrace the storm and let me find joy in it because we're together.

i know that i tend to run away from storms.  i don't like getting wet.  but what if i changed my perspective on storms?  instead of fearing them, shying away from them - what if i found a way to enjoy them?  then when the storms come, they won't be so bad - they'll be good.

a little romance

there was a night back in late january.  it was beginning to snow when i had left work to walk to sg.  it was the kind of snow that was so lovely.  small, sparkly flakes that drifted gracefully and shimmered in the streetlight.  the snow was soft and gently blanketed the dirty streets of ny, and made them clean.  pure.  plush.

i walked through this snowfall and thought to myself, i wish i could share this moment with someone.  everything is so beautifully romantic.  how lovely it would be to be in love on a night like this. 

and as i felt small pangs of loneliness creep into my heart, i earnestly prayed, God, would you walk with me right now?  will You be my lover and share this romantic moment with me?

and He did.

suddenly, i felt warmth around my shoulders - the way i would feel warmth if a man were to put his arm around me.  i knew at that moment that God was walking with me, our strides in synch, with His arm around my shoulders.  and though i was cold everywhere else, where God's arm was, it was warm.

so we walked.  my Lover and me - in the beautiful snow that He created, and in the quiet stillness of the night.  we walked, and i was lonely no more.

mia - juror #3 - the sinner

last week, i had to go in for jury duty.  i gotta say, i really had a great time.  people always say it's such a pain, and that it's so boring.  but what's so terrible about getting out of work, and being able to have all the time you want to read a good book?  and then the best part is, you get to be part of the whole jury process - which is like being on an episode of Law and Order!  i had a great time!

but you know, i learned something about myself.  it turns out, i'm not a good person to choose for a jury. 

all my co-workers thought that i would get chosen for a trial bc they said i was so nice, and not overly opinionated about anything.  and i sort of agreed with them.  i thought to myself, "yeah, i'm not very political or racist or have experienced anything really crazy in my life."  but it turns out, i AM very opinionated.

for my first trial that was ushered in for, the case was about a man who allegedly raped 2 girls - a 13-year old and a 15 year old girl.  for the first 30 minutes, i couldn't stop thinking that he was guilty, and thoughts of "how could you do something like that?!" kept crossing my mind.  and after i had to listen to the 15 counts of indictment, i was feeling more and more convinced that he was in the wrong - even though the judge kept emphasizing that these were simply allegations and not evidence.  for 30 minutes, i argued with myself to try to be impartial and open, and it was harder than i thought it would be.  finally, i thought about how perhaps maybe the girls were lying, and that i had to give this man a chance to tell his side of the story.  and even though i felt reluctant, i was able to come to a place in my head to be neutral.

and amidst my inner arguing, i kept staring at this man's attorney - the criminal defense lawyer - and i found myself being angry at him too!  i kept thinking, "how do you sleep at night?!  knowing you're defending men who rape underage girls!"  i was angry at the convicted man and his attorney.  i wanted to say - you deserve no attorney!  not after what you did!  and then after some more struggling, i remembered that at one point in my sister's law school years, she had strongly considered becoming a criminal defense lawyer bc she had said that more often than not, these criminals weren't actually criminals.  but they needed good lawyers to help them.  and i thought about how my sister could've been this attorney.  so i changed my mind.  it's true.  we all need someone to defend us - whether we're guilty or not.  and we all deserve to be given a fair chance to tell our side.  we can't just judge someone at the drop of a hat.

and finally, after 30 minutes, i was finally able to be impartial - was open to the idea that he was innocent - to put my initial outrage aside to hear him out.  and that shocked me.  i came into that courtroom thinking that i was so good at being impartial, but here i was - a terrible juror.  and do you know why i was a terrible juror?  bc i'm a terrible sinner.  

i realized that being a juror showed my true colors - i am a judgmental person, and i have trouble showing grace.  it's funny bc i realized this about myself a few years ago, and have been working on trying to become a more grace-ful person.  but i saw that this sinful side still lives in me.  the good news is, i recognize it now.  and i try to counter it as much as i can.

i never thought serving on jury duty would be such a humbling experience.  to see how much God loves me despite my sinful tendencies.  to see how much God loves His children - even when they commit crimes - He forgives them and sees you with His future glory eyes.  and if God can do that, then i would have to try as well.

i think everyone should serve on jury duty.  it's enlightening to learn about how the jury system works in our country, and it's humbling/glorifying to see how the economy of God's mercy works. 

mia the oxymoron

i was sitting on the train the other day thinking about how people think they know me, but there are some very random quirks about me that are hidden.  i discovered that i have a pretty contradictory side of my life that people don't easily discover about me bc i don't say anything.

so i decided to list out some interesting yet contradictory things about me so that you can know me better.  =)

1.  i like strawberries but i don't like strawberry-flavored foods.  it's very strange, i know.  i love real strawberries.  but anything strawberry-flavored - like ice cream, peppero, milkshakes, candy - i don't like it.  it's too sweet... like sickeningly sweet. 

2.  the same goes for bananas.  i like bananas, but i don't like banana-flavored foods.  i really dislike those korean banana puff chips, banana flavored pudding, banana ice cream, etc.  even magnolia's banana pudding - i only eat the nilla wafers.  =)  (i do make an exception for banana bread, that i like.  i think it's bc it's made with real bananas and not some weird banana flavoring)

3.  i like winter a lot bc i hate sweating and you can't control your body temperature in the summer.  if it's hot, you can't cool yourself down unless you go inside.  but in the winter, even if it's cold out, you can make yourself warm by wearing a thick jacket!  so even though i like the cold bc i hate sweating, i need to be warm when it's cold.  i always turn on my heater, wear lots of layers, and dislike the feeling of being cold.  it's quite strange.

4.  i really don't like watching sports on tv.  i find it to be really boring and kind of pointless to watch a ball move around a lot.  but interestingly, i really enjoy watching sports live.  i love going to sporting events - it's so much more exciting!  i've been to live basketball, baseball, hockey, and tennis games.  i really, really wanna see a football game one day.  but seriously, put the same game on tv, and i will start playing sudoku on my phone.

5.  i love sleep.  i love getting lots of sleep.  but i hate going to sleep.  every night, i battle myself to stay up later and later bc i feel like sleeping is a waste of time when i could be doing something fun.  but then when i'm sleeping, it's so good, and i love it, and i wish i could sleep in more.  i am always tired as a result of this.  haha!

6.  another food one - i like tomato sauce, but i hate tomatoes. 

7.  i am a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic.  and i know that everyone strongly believes that i am as well.  but you know, the truth is, i may be a hopeless romantic, but i'm also realistic.  i know that the romantic stuff i see in movies and in books are fake.  i totally, 100% know it.  i know that relationships are hard work and mostly about commitment than love.  but i just like getting swept away in the idea of it when i enter fictional worlds.  i may be a hopeless romantic, but i am super realistic and don't expect this one bit for my real life love story.

8.  i think i'm really perceptive.  i notice lots of details; i can gauge how people are feeling; i can sense when something is off, etc.  but very weirdly, i am also really oblivious and blind to the same things.  it's a very strange thing to be so strongly perceptive and oblivious all at the same time.  i really have no answer for this one.

 9.  i am very good at saving money, but surprisingly, i do not have any kind of budget.  i don't keep records of all my expenses, nor do i watch every penny.  but interestingly, i just have a mental note about these things, and i still save money each month.  how do i do it?  i dunno!  i just do! 

10.  i love the water - oceans, beaches, pools, ponds, waterfalls - you name it.  i love anything that has water in it.  but i also have a huge fear of it bc i can't swim.  my ideal vacation is to do beach-y things, even tho i can't go past the first 3 feet of water.  so shouldn't this make the beach and pool boring for me?  surprisingly no.  i love it, but i'm also deathly scared of it.  haha!

11.  at my core, i really enjoy singing and performing.  why else would i have done 4 years of christian acappella and lead the music ministry at church?  but i also really hate singing in front of people.  i get terribly nervous, and it stops being fun for me.  i'm not sure where my happy place begins and ends bc it's such a fine line.  this is why i never sing for real at karaoke, and this is why i'm so shy during friendly jam sessions.  but put me on a stage with a mic and i just want to shine and be a diva.  it's quite weird to struggle with this!

12.  i really love being emo but i hate being sad.  i love dimming the lights and playing emo music while i cry and think about life.  it feels so cathartic to be in this kind of mood and environment.  and yet, i really hate being sad.  i want nothing more to be happy and joyful and wish there was nothing to be melancholy about!

man, looking over this list, i must sound like a crazy person to you guys.  but this is me.  this is me and my interesting yet contradictory ways.  i'm not sure why i'm like this, but it works for me!

so now you guys know 12 new things about me.  =)  hope you found it strange but delightful.  hehe!

f e a r

FEAR.  just looking at this seemingly innocuous word stirs anxiety and uneasiness in me.  fear is like a cold chill that silently seeps into the secret crevices of your heart, soul, and mind, and fogs your memory of what hope is like... warmth feels like.  it paralyzes you.  don't believe me?  how many times has fear stopped you from taking a risk?  how many times has fear caused you to stay in the same place because of not knowing the unknown? 

lately, a fear has settled in.  i've tried to sweep it out the doorstep of my heart.  i've tried to douse it with laughter.  i've tried to clamp its mouth shut.  but the fear has made itself comfortable, and promises me things like safety and entitlement. 

i am fighting. 

JOY has been standing outside my door asking to come in.   but the guard dog barks viciously when i try to let Her in.