This weekend, we had a lot of guests and visitors. Now that I'm a parent, I have learned that nothing is better than to have no guests ever.
On Friday night, we went over to Sy's family's house to have dinner together. Emily ate slower than she ever has - took nearly an hour to finish her bottle. She then was forced to stay up way past her usual bedtime so everyone could get enough playtime with her. But by 8pm, she looked like a zombie out of sheer exhaustion. At one point, she burst out into a cry that came out of nowhere, and I swear she was blowing up saying For the love of God - please let me sleep! When we finally got home, Emily had so much trouble sleeping. Usually when she's so exhausted, she knocks out and sleeps hard. But not this time - she couldn't stay down for the life of her. We ended up rocking her and going back and forth to her room until past 11pm! That was the first time we'd had to go to her past 8pm since she was 5 weeks old! It made me never want to take her out again!
On Saturday, a few of my friends came to visit, and I noticed that Emily was fine to be held by 2 out of the 3 of my friends. The one person Emily did not seem to like - she would cry everytime she tried to hold her. It made me wonder - can babies sense when someone is not good with babies? Can Emily feel the stiffness in her arms? Can Emily sense the lack of baby-love?
Also, another friend noticed that Emily would crane and stretch her neck to look for me since I wasn't holding her. At first I didn't believe her, but as I watched Emily throughout the afternoon, it did seem like she was looking for me.
On Sunday, my cousins came to visit, and this time - Emily seemed to cry when other people held her, but would calm down as soon as I held her.
It's made me wonder - does Emily know who I am in a crowd of people? Does she already have a little bit of stranger anxiety and want to be held by me to feel safe? On the one hand I find that so sweet. Never in my life has any baby ever wanted or requested me. It makes me feel special and loved to be her mama. But on the other hand, I am extremely worried that she will be one of those kids who cry and cry around strangers. I don't want that for Emily - I want her to be brave and independent and outgoing - to be happy to go to anyone and to be a friendly baby. How do you foster that kind of personality trait? How do you prevent stranger danger behavior?
It's been an interesting weekend. But man, am I relieved that it's Monday and we can give Emily a nice normal 5 days before the weekend chaos begins again. I hope she charges up enough routine-ness for the next 5 days so she can be ready for another jam packed weekend. Yikes!
Monday, April 30, 2018
Thursday, April 26, 2018
I don't have to like you - but I do love you
Yesterday, Emily was pretty hard. I spent 40 min in the morning rocking and shushing her to sleep STRAIGHT. By the time I left her room, I was drenched in sweat; Emily was sweaty from wherever her body was in contact with my body; and I was very out of breath from shushing for so long. This happened again in the afternoon.
During this very annoying time, I couldn't help but feel so angry with her. Why won't you sleep?! Close your eyes! Stop squirming! All of these thoughts were raging through my brain, and I couldn't help but loudly sigh exasperatedly in her face multiple times. I realized that in those moments, I really disliked Emily. It was taking all my patience to not throw her in her crib and just be like Put yourself to sleep! But how can she? She's a baby!
That night, as I reflected on the day and tried to unwind all my negativity, I felt so much guilt for being such an impatient mom and for harboring such negative thoughts about my baby. But I realized, I may dislike Emily (a lot) at times, but I will never stop loving her. She's my daughter, and I will love her unconditionally - no matter how awful she is, no matter how much she fights her naps, no matter how much she poops on me.
It made me wonder - does God ever dislike us? I know that God loves us unconditionally, and that even though we are so sinful, He still saved us - blah blah. (As you can see, I totally take this for granted!) But in all seriousness - does God ever dislike us? Being a parent really makes me understand God's heart. We are His children, so of course He loves us unconditionally. But does He ever look down and watch us do stupid things and really dislike us? Does He ever want to just throw His hands up in the air and say - EUGH, do what you want. I bet the answer is no. But still - it's an interesting thought.
If Emily were older and was cognizant of how much heartache she was causing us, I would hope that she would stop doing it. But do we have that same kind of desire not to hurt our Father's heart? I think not. It kind of made me ashamed of my own christian behavior lately.
I hope and pray that I will grow in my patience for Emily and find her so loveable even when she is so dislikeable. And I hope and pray that I will be a better daughter to my heavenly Father because I'm not a baby! I can control how much heartache I can cause.
Alright -- back to Emily's room for another cardio workout of putting her to sleep!
During this very annoying time, I couldn't help but feel so angry with her. Why won't you sleep?! Close your eyes! Stop squirming! All of these thoughts were raging through my brain, and I couldn't help but loudly sigh exasperatedly in her face multiple times. I realized that in those moments, I really disliked Emily. It was taking all my patience to not throw her in her crib and just be like Put yourself to sleep! But how can she? She's a baby!
That night, as I reflected on the day and tried to unwind all my negativity, I felt so much guilt for being such an impatient mom and for harboring such negative thoughts about my baby. But I realized, I may dislike Emily (a lot) at times, but I will never stop loving her. She's my daughter, and I will love her unconditionally - no matter how awful she is, no matter how much she fights her naps, no matter how much she poops on me.
It made me wonder - does God ever dislike us? I know that God loves us unconditionally, and that even though we are so sinful, He still saved us - blah blah. (As you can see, I totally take this for granted!) But in all seriousness - does God ever dislike us? Being a parent really makes me understand God's heart. We are His children, so of course He loves us unconditionally. But does He ever look down and watch us do stupid things and really dislike us? Does He ever want to just throw His hands up in the air and say - EUGH, do what you want. I bet the answer is no. But still - it's an interesting thought.
If Emily were older and was cognizant of how much heartache she was causing us, I would hope that she would stop doing it. But do we have that same kind of desire not to hurt our Father's heart? I think not. It kind of made me ashamed of my own christian behavior lately.
I hope and pray that I will grow in my patience for Emily and find her so loveable even when she is so dislikeable. And I hope and pray that I will be a better daughter to my heavenly Father because I'm not a baby! I can control how much heartache I can cause.
Alright -- back to Emily's room for another cardio workout of putting her to sleep!
Sunday, April 22, 2018
She loves me, she loves me not - Week 9 Observations
Emily turned 2 months last week, and it blows my mind how fast time is going by. Most days, I have no idea what the date is, and when people tell me it's the 20th, I am in complete shock. I can't believe 20 days had elapsed since the last time I checked in.
I always thought that everything about this time of raising Emily would stick with me like glue - and I wouldn't forget any details. But it turns out - I'm already forgetting so much! I was texting with another mom friend of mine who just had a baby a month behind us, and she was talking about how her baby sleeps for 2-3 hours at a time. And I said, "Enjoy it while it lasts! Soon, she's going to not be able to stay asleep and you'll miss those days where you could just watch netflix as you waited for her nap to end." And I realized that I totally forgot Emily used to do that - that there WAS a time when she used to be so easy. And I couldn't believe how I had forgotten that! So I've decided that I want to record my weekly observations about Emily before I start to forget them all! I can only start with this week, but it's amazing how much I've forgotten about last week already! =(
Here we go!
1. Emily has been difficult this week because she seems to not be able to stay asleep when I put her down for naps. On Wednesday, I ended up going to get her and soothing her every 15 min. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted bc I had been on my feet all day constantly rocking her, shushing her, and trying to get her to fall asleep.
On Thurs, I was still traumatized by the day before, so I decided I was just going to hold her and let her sleep. As a result, I spent the entire day sitting in Emily's dark room holding her while I just looked at my phone. I spent a total of 1 hour by myself that day (3 intervals of 20 min that I got to pee, eat, and wash pump equipment). That was a really depressing day for me.
On Friday, I tried something different, and I decided to put the boppy on top of Emily when I put her down so it would sort of feel like I was still holding her. The weight of the boppy would be like my arms and body as I held her - AND IT WORKED. Emily slept well all day and didn't need me to go and get her constantly! It was the happiest day ever!
Saturday - Emily went back to crazy and wouldn't sleep at all no matter how much we rocked her, put the boppy on her, or anything. What a crazy girl! We just can't predict what her day is gonna be like!
2. I've realized that I am no longer an interesting person. When Sy comes home at night, I have no interesting stories to tell him. In the past, I would tell him about interesting conversations I had with friends, or cool things I read on the news, etc. But now that I'm home all day with Emily - I have nothing! I don't talk to anyone. I barely get to watch any tv. I have nothing! Some mornings I get to watch Live with Kelly and Ryan - and when I recount stories to Sy about things I heard from the show - he makes fun of me that I even watch this show. And yes, it's kind of sad that I'm watching this show bc I'm not some middle aged woman eating bon bons on the couch (where did that stereotype come from??). But it's all I've got! Man, being a SAHM is kind of tough in this sense.
3. Emily has gotten really cute. She smiles more - especially in the mornings when she's gotten a good night's rest. And it makes me so happy to see her so jolly. It also makes me happy to know that I can make her laugh - that there are tangible things that I can do to actually bring a smile to her face. It's made me realize that this is why people have children - they're just so incredibly cute and irresistable!
4. Sy was able to work from home a lot for the past 2 weeks, so even though he went back to work, it wasn't so bad for me bc it wasn't 5 days straight. But this week, Sy could no longer work from home, and Wed-Fri, it was just me. And now, we're starting to notice that Emily cries hard when Sy puts her to bed. But as soon as I take her, she stops crying. We suspect that she's already gotten used to me putting her down and now she only wants me to do it. Now this has gotten me full of mixed feelings! On the one hand, it's very sweet that she wants her mom, and she feels comforted by me the most. But on the other hand, at the end of every long day of just me and her, I REALLY need a break and need Sy to handle bedtime and weekends so it doesn't feel quite so monotonous. What happened??? Has she already become clingy to me?
It's crazy how much she changes from week to week. If I don't write this down, will I completely forget it all? I hope not! I really do love and cherish all these milestones with her despite my exhaustion. Wish me luck for week 10!
I always thought that everything about this time of raising Emily would stick with me like glue - and I wouldn't forget any details. But it turns out - I'm already forgetting so much! I was texting with another mom friend of mine who just had a baby a month behind us, and she was talking about how her baby sleeps for 2-3 hours at a time. And I said, "Enjoy it while it lasts! Soon, she's going to not be able to stay asleep and you'll miss those days where you could just watch netflix as you waited for her nap to end." And I realized that I totally forgot Emily used to do that - that there WAS a time when she used to be so easy. And I couldn't believe how I had forgotten that! So I've decided that I want to record my weekly observations about Emily before I start to forget them all! I can only start with this week, but it's amazing how much I've forgotten about last week already! =(
Here we go!
1. Emily has been difficult this week because she seems to not be able to stay asleep when I put her down for naps. On Wednesday, I ended up going to get her and soothing her every 15 min. By the end of the day, I was so exhausted bc I had been on my feet all day constantly rocking her, shushing her, and trying to get her to fall asleep.
On Thurs, I was still traumatized by the day before, so I decided I was just going to hold her and let her sleep. As a result, I spent the entire day sitting in Emily's dark room holding her while I just looked at my phone. I spent a total of 1 hour by myself that day (3 intervals of 20 min that I got to pee, eat, and wash pump equipment). That was a really depressing day for me.
On Friday, I tried something different, and I decided to put the boppy on top of Emily when I put her down so it would sort of feel like I was still holding her. The weight of the boppy would be like my arms and body as I held her - AND IT WORKED. Emily slept well all day and didn't need me to go and get her constantly! It was the happiest day ever!
Saturday - Emily went back to crazy and wouldn't sleep at all no matter how much we rocked her, put the boppy on her, or anything. What a crazy girl! We just can't predict what her day is gonna be like!
2. I've realized that I am no longer an interesting person. When Sy comes home at night, I have no interesting stories to tell him. In the past, I would tell him about interesting conversations I had with friends, or cool things I read on the news, etc. But now that I'm home all day with Emily - I have nothing! I don't talk to anyone. I barely get to watch any tv. I have nothing! Some mornings I get to watch Live with Kelly and Ryan - and when I recount stories to Sy about things I heard from the show - he makes fun of me that I even watch this show. And yes, it's kind of sad that I'm watching this show bc I'm not some middle aged woman eating bon bons on the couch (where did that stereotype come from??). But it's all I've got! Man, being a SAHM is kind of tough in this sense.
3. Emily has gotten really cute. She smiles more - especially in the mornings when she's gotten a good night's rest. And it makes me so happy to see her so jolly. It also makes me happy to know that I can make her laugh - that there are tangible things that I can do to actually bring a smile to her face. It's made me realize that this is why people have children - they're just so incredibly cute and irresistable!
4. Sy was able to work from home a lot for the past 2 weeks, so even though he went back to work, it wasn't so bad for me bc it wasn't 5 days straight. But this week, Sy could no longer work from home, and Wed-Fri, it was just me. And now, we're starting to notice that Emily cries hard when Sy puts her to bed. But as soon as I take her, she stops crying. We suspect that she's already gotten used to me putting her down and now she only wants me to do it. Now this has gotten me full of mixed feelings! On the one hand, it's very sweet that she wants her mom, and she feels comforted by me the most. But on the other hand, at the end of every long day of just me and her, I REALLY need a break and need Sy to handle bedtime and weekends so it doesn't feel quite so monotonous. What happened??? Has she already become clingy to me?
It's crazy how much she changes from week to week. If I don't write this down, will I completely forget it all? I hope not! I really do love and cherish all these milestones with her despite my exhaustion. Wish me luck for week 10!
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