Yesterday, Emily was pretty hard. I spent 40 min in the morning rocking and shushing her to sleep STRAIGHT. By the time I left her room, I was drenched in sweat; Emily was sweaty from wherever her body was in contact with my body; and I was very out of breath from shushing for so long. This happened again in the afternoon.
During this very annoying time, I couldn't help but feel so angry with her. Why won't you sleep?! Close your eyes! Stop squirming! All of these thoughts were raging through my brain, and I couldn't help but loudly sigh exasperatedly in her face multiple times. I realized that in those moments, I really disliked Emily. It was taking all my patience to not throw her in her crib and just be like Put yourself to sleep! But how can she? She's a baby!
That night, as I reflected on the day and tried to unwind all my negativity, I felt so much guilt for being such an impatient mom and for harboring such negative thoughts about my baby. But I realized, I may dislike Emily (a lot) at times, but I will never stop loving her. She's my daughter, and I will love her unconditionally - no matter how awful she is, no matter how much she fights her naps, no matter how much she poops on me.
It made me wonder - does God ever dislike us? I know that God loves us unconditionally, and that even though we are so sinful, He still saved us - blah blah. (As you can see, I totally take this for granted!) But in all seriousness - does God ever dislike us? Being a parent really makes me understand God's heart. We are His children, so of course He loves us unconditionally. But does He ever look down and watch us do stupid things and really dislike us? Does He ever want to just throw His hands up in the air and say - EUGH, do what you want. I bet the answer is no. But still - it's an interesting thought.
If Emily were older and was cognizant of how much heartache she was causing us, I would hope that she would stop doing it. But do we have that same kind of desire not to hurt our Father's heart? I think not. It kind of made me ashamed of my own christian behavior lately.
I hope and pray that I will grow in my patience for Emily and find her so loveable even when she is so dislikeable. And I hope and pray that I will be a better daughter to my heavenly Father because I'm not a baby! I can control how much heartache I can cause.
Alright -- back to Emily's room for another cardio workout of putting her to sleep!
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