risky business

so i'm just gonna be vulnerable.

a couple of weeks ago, the sermon at church was about how we need to pray "risky prayers." the pastor talked about how so often, we pray these safe prayers of just, "Lord, please be with her... etc" that we never pray the big, risky prayers that believe in how powerful and mighty our God is. the pastor encouraged us to pray things like, "Lord, let the cancer be gone tomorrow!"

so i did what he said. i prayed a really risky prayer. i prayed for something that i desperately need/want to happen, and gave God a very specific timeline to make it happen within. and honestly, for a few weeks, i had a definite peace in my heart with the full faith of knowing it was going to happen.

my heart had begun to feel lighter, my spirit was high, and i felt optimistic for the first time in a while.

this past week was supposed to be when it all happened.

and it didn't. nothing i prayed for came to fruition.

and now i'm left confused. what does this mean? i don't doubt for a second that God is not powerful enough to make it happen. and i understand the whole "God's timing vs our timing" philosophy. but what confuses is me is how the risky prayer plays into all of this. what's the point of praying the risky prayer if God is going to do what He wants on His time anyway? i understand the importance of prayer in general, but i'm starting to wonder if risky prayer is just one big disappointment.

bc that's how i felt sunday night. as the week came to a close, and a new week began, i felt the world back on my shoulders, my spirit was low, and i was a sad girl again.

oddly, the same pastor who preached about this risky prayer sermon, came back this sunday. and i felt like this was my chance to ask him what happened, what went wrong. in the end, he gave me the answer i expected to hear - it wasn't what God wanted for me. i wanted to punch him for getting my hopes up. i wanted to tell him that he should give this sermon with a disclaimer to sign. bc u know what? people like me found hope in it - and now i'm just let down.

ultimately, i am trusting God that He hears my prayers, and He feels his daughter's tears everytime another one rolls down my cheeks and falls onto the floor as i pray. but i have to admit... i feel a little let down.

u know the line from that praise song, "where a little faith's enough - to see mountains lift and move"? it always gets me. i always cry when i sing that one phrase bc it's so hopeful - so encouraging to someone who feels so hopeless. and yet - this time - i couldn't help but wonder if my little faith wasn't able to lift and move this mountain.