It's been a really crazy 2 weeks over here and I haven't had a chance to write any updates. It's hard for me to even remember Emily's developments over the past 2 weeks.
Halloween came and went. We didn't end up dressing Emily in a costume bc we figured we weren't going anywhere, so why spend the money on a costume just for 5 minutes of photos? I now regret this decision, and I wish I had gotten her a costume anyway. She would've been so cute! Why was I so cheap??
The past 2 weeks have been so hard. On Nov 1, I was laid off from my job. We all knew layoffs were coming, but when it actually happened to me, I was so shocked. As soon as I got the call from HR to ask me to come down, I knew it was me. It was devastating. I spent about 1 hour packing up my desk and 1 hour saying goodbye. I had been with NBC for 6 years - almost 7. It was surreal to know that I wasn't going to come back.
I've been in a state of shock and somewhat depression since it happened. I cried heavily for about 24 hours straight. Every time I talked about it, I couldn't help but cry. The crazy part is that even though I wanted so much to grieve and wallow in my sadness, you can't do that when you have a baby. You just have to put on a smile and keep on taking care of your baby. Babies don't care if you're sad or not. They still need you to take care of them and play with them. If anything, Emily is LOVING having her mom back at home. She seems extra clingy these days - always wanting to be in my lap or my arms. Maybe she thinks I might leave her again. Who knows? But right now, she is loving having it just be me and her again. The thing is, everyone keeps telling me to just enjoy this time with Emily. But it's easier said than done. You would think that I would just go back to the joy I felt when I was on maternity. But it's just not the same. I still feel sadness of having been laid off. I feel like an unproductive, useless person in society who has no job and no title. And not that I have anything against stay at home moms - it's simply bc I was not given that choice - I am forced to stay at home. The other part though is the growing fear inside me. When I was sitting in the HR office, I felt fine for the first 10 min. It was only when they started talking about my benefits ending, that I realized that Emily is under my insurance. And that's when the panic began. How would Emily survive with no insurance? What if something happens to her and we can't afford treatment? And then more panic flooded in as I thought about how we would survive financially on 1 income. Would Emily have to suffer a little bit? I never imagined that I would ever not be able to provide her everything she wanted or needed. Would we have to become more frugal? It freaked me out. Everything is heightened when you have a baby. The stakes are higher. I can live my life eating ramen to save money - but not Emily. Everyday, I'm trying to grow my faith that God will take care of us. But it's a scary time of uncertainty. And anyone who knows me knows that I don't like uncertainty. I like to be prepared for everything. This is the first time I don't feel prepared.
On top of this sadness, Sy's grandmother passed away last week. She was 101 - almost 102. We knew she was going to pass soon, but it still comes with the shock of grief. She passed away last Wed, Nov 7. Sy, Emily, and I went to the hospital on Wed morning bc Sy's dad had called to say that it might be today. When we got there, we saw his grandmother, and after 10 min, she passed away. We all think that Sy's grandma was waiting for him. He was her favorite grandson, and she was waiting to say goodbye to him. After her passing, it was a whirlwind of funeral arrangements, the wake, and the burial. This whole incident has made us think a lot about life and death. One major thought we seem to keep going back to is the fact that despite the sadness we feel over her death, we still feel so much joy bc of Emily. She still makes us smile so much and makes us feel so happy. Even at the funeral, people would always feel better when they saw Emily bc she was so smiley and happy. It's the power of babies - they make the world feel so much better despite so much sorrow. We love her so much and we can't imagine going through this without her.
Emily has been a trooper through it all. We had to leave Emily one night to attend the funeral. Since all of the family was going to be there, we had to leave her with my friend as her babysitter. Emily cried for 45 min bc she couldn't find her mom or dad or really, anyone she knew. She didn't drink any of her milk, and just went to sleep with solids. It broke my heart to know that she was probably scared bc she couldn't find her parents anywhere. And it broke my heart to know that she was so sad that she couldn't even drink her milk. But she went to sleep like a champ, and fell asleep within 10 min by herself.
Emily was a trooper the next day bc we couldn't find a sitter. So we had to bring Emily to the burial. She didn't get to nap much, but she kept pushing through and staying awake when we needed her to. I brought lots of snacks for her, and that helped keep her happy.
It's been a tough time for the Sung family. Both Sy and I are still sad and grieving in our different ways. We are putting our trust in God that He will provide for our little family, and that we will all be okay. We are happy that Sy's grandmother is in a better place, and that she got to meet Emily a few times before she passed. We are eagerly awaiting for good news to come our way and bring more joy back to our lives. In the meantime, we are giving thanks as best as we can.
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